God Zeus' Domain: The Bizarro

Not What You Expected? Good…

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 19:43:11 GMT

Funny thing about long term relationships is that you’re not quite sure if and when they’ve ended. Anyone having the unfortunate luck of surviving one, would know just what I’m on about. If that door isn’t shut and bolted, if you don’t hear those damning words of closure…there’s no amount of time apart or running away that’ll heal those wounds.

I’ve been fortunate enough on my two years away, to have way too much time on my hands. Having a heart, feelings and worst of all hope, definitely didn’t help matters. Coming home was a big deal for me. Not a big deal in the sense of seeing friends, family and all that usual stuff most people look forward to when returning from a long stay abroad. For me, it was a bit different. Not so obvious reasons really. For starters, Trinidad’s not where I wanted to be right now. I left Trinidad with issues two years, picked up new ones in England, then returned here with the lot. THIS house is NOT where I want to be right now either (Anyone having a terminally ill person in their house will know that feeling). There are other issues there as well, but best left unmentioned in this forum. For some silly reason, let’s call it ‘fool’s hope’, I tried contacting my ex. A lot of people told me not to. Some were quite pissed that I did actually. They’ll be shaking their heads in disbelief, muttering “I told you so” all the way through.

A lot of people still have this silly notion that guys always come out of relationships relatively unhurt. They don’t cry or feel pain. They land on their feet and bounce right back into the arms of some other woman. All’s well! This bullshit is amplified ten-fold here in the Caribbean. It’s WRONG for a Caribbean man to show any emotion other than being hard and angry all the time. You’re weak or gay if you do otherwise. Be emotional in public as a man? You may as well castrate yourself and slit your wrists. So to the ‘emo-phobics’ out there, I say be a ‘hard-man’ or ‘rude-bwoy’ till you die then! (Dumb fucks, the lot of you). I’m unfortunately not that gifted. As a result, I did the best I could, with what I had. But, thanks for assuming that I played lead role in the ‘boy breaks girl’s heart then leaves the country’ act, you selected idiots out there. You’re all stars.

We ended on a terrible note two years ago. A terrible note. I was understandably angry, frustrated and depressed at the time. Silly things were said in the heat of the moment. There was A LOT going on beside a break-up back then. If I get into details, I'll only sound like whiny chatter, so let's not. What got me a bit annoyed was, if there was anyone on this earth that’ll know me inside out, it’ll be her. In our seven years together, I NEVER once got as pissed off with her, as I was then. Sadly, she latched onto that one misstep and ran with it. Years of good behaviour wiped from the slate at that point :( A lot of assumptions were made based on that incident, and time acted as bad catalyst to the whole affair. Again, let me say this. People toss that ‘give it time’ or ‘time heals all’ line shit around too much. Time will be your WORST fucking enemy if you DO NOT HANDLE THINGS RIGHT! People should say, ‘time will heal all if you confront and deal with your issues’. Go a step further and look into your friend’s well being every now and again. Don’t just sit there and assume all the damn time. Do this for your non-emo-phobic male friends as well. They’ll appreciate you for it, trust me!

So anyways after overcoming several intentional, communication hindering obstacles, the awful truth was soon revealed. Some of it seemed quite unnecessary in the greater scheme of things, but they were her choices. It made sense to her at the time and even though I wanted to at least try understanding, info wasn’t forthcoming. I’m not sure I’m cool with that, but it’s all about respecting each other now.

I am not the world’s perfect man, and certainly won’t win the Best Boyfriend award anytime soon…but for fuck’s sake, I certainly did not deserve any of this. This may be one of the odd cases where the guy’s NOT at fault here, but the way things have played out, I’m sorta feeling like I am. Still, things are how they are, I have to respect it.

In the end, reality hit and closure was had (for me anyway). Although it stung like a bitch, it’s what was needed. Pick up and move on time. Properly right this time too. Yup, I got every reason to be lunatic-grade angry right now, but I won’t. That‘s behind me and it’s not who I am (well not who I’d like to be anymore). Right now, it’s just a quest to be normal. Want things to be regular and normal. I could handle life’s ups and downs, just not freakish-rollercoaster levels of it. She's a great gal, and I enjoyed the good times. We'll just act civil to each other right now (that in itself feels weird, but I'll get used to it).

That’s my heart on the blog moment for today kids. The mature and life weary among us will know exactly what I’ve been rambling on about. Now that we all have the general idea, please stop asking silly questions. Please stop all the childishness. If you do see her, be nice. If you see me, be nice. Let us both live our lives, minus more horseshit. Everyone else, and you know who you are, can just fuck off. Seriously!

(Working on the swearing scene too)

This post should explain some weird behaviour with certain people back in the UK. Sorry. I truly am :(

Thy Will Be Done

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 12:11:12 GMT

I’ve lost a total of four locks of hair over the last three weeks. They literally just came off in my hand. If at this point you’re still in denial about stress and its effects on the human body, literally losing your hair is like the equivalent of being jolted out of sleep via a cold bucket of water. Then again, I have the two week long headache, back and shoulder pain, irregular sleep patterns and dreams/nightmares…blah blah blah, that should have been sending loud warning signals to the little guy in my head. The little guy’s on vacation. Indefinitely.

There’s a reason why I chose to ignore my problems…and that’s because I get too involved. I let them dominate my body, my mind and ultimately my life. I think I’ve been doing an OK job of managing things up to this point (lies). Last Thursday was probably the point at which I gave up.

Ever done something so stupid, so embarrassing…you wish you could just take it all back. Start again. Press the ‘Backspace’ key and type again. F5 to refresh. Unfortunately, life’s much shitter than that. You’ve got to live with it. That’s the way it is. Shit happens and sometimes you just have to accept it. It’s your fault that you’ve let things get to this stage anyway, so you’ve no right to blame anyone (but yourself). Your own damn fault for letting it get this far anyway.

Went to the doctor yesterday. I knew exactly what the outcome would be, but told myself that I may as well humour myself anyway. I told him about the recurring problem for the last three years. Gave him a rundown of the last few weeks (therapy visits etc). He puts the blood pressure band around my arm, tells me to stop talking then types away on his little computer. A few minutes later, he recommends I take some ibuprofen for the pain. That was it. Hats off to free health care in the UK!

J insisted I get it out of my system. We met on Sunday for the regular routine. Food, bottle of wine, long chats. She lost her dad just a few months before I lost mom, so we’ve both talked about things like this before. What I find to be absolutely touching/shocking/semi re-assuring is the fact that she’s been through (and still going through) everything I’ve gone/going through. I’m not the only person that wishes something life threatening happens to them. It’s sick, but a way out when you’re seemingly exit-less. Don’t know what I’m talking about? You haven’t been there then obviously. It’s a different story when you’re in it. It’s very different when you can share it with someone that truly understands. The difference between us is she’s coping much better than I am. (Here’s where story gets very weird)

So when people ask me, “How ya doin?” or “Everything all right?” I’m just going to say, “Everything’s just the way God wants it to be”. This is in no way a jab at the Most High by the way…so all the religious people in the house need not get all hot and bothered. It’s more like a culmination of everything at this point really. My faith is in shambles in anyway…dunno why I’m even taking the ‘leave it in God’s hands’ route either. Guess I’m out of ideas.

My white flag is flying high. My arms are above my head. I’m not in control anymore. Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

Tangent

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 01:12:30 GMT

Another week draws to a close, and what a week it was. Actually, what a last two weeks its been. If I had to sum it up in one word, it’ll be ‘typical’. Same typical horse dung in it’s typical chunky, smelly form. Ok, I’ll be honest. There was that interesting 6th (or 7th, I dunno) meet with J on Thursday night. Why interesting you ask? Well for starters, I was in my horse dung mood, and that basically equates to me being very frank about everything. I’m like Bruce Banner with this shite. It happens. I can’t control it. “Don’t get me dungy. You won’t like me when I’m dungy!” This almost got me into an ass-whoopin’ situation with some Asian youth on the 158 too. If I do wind up dead due to the repeated insertion of sharp, metallic objects into the torso, you know why. But I digress…

Over some rubbish Mexican food (never again with that restaurant) and some glasses of wine, we discussed our past relationships. One major hurdle overcome, I say. More importantly, the boat was rocked, and there was no need to scramble for life vests. So now that I’ve tested the sea-worthiness of our vessel, where the hell do we sail to now? I’m quite happy to just roll up the sails and drift aimlessly, but I gather the other crew member may not be on board for that.

So anyway, I’ll tell you the secret to unlocking deep thought. Take long walks in cold weather. Sit on cold wooden benches, crank up your MP3 player and kick back. Feel the secrets of the universe flow down forth from the heavens into your crap human brain. Then you realize it’s frickin’ freezing, get up and head home…where you lose precious sleep by doing more thinking. To speed up the process, you finish the half bottle of wine that was left over from the pasta you had a few days ago. Terrible nightmares ensue. You’re a wreck for work the next day. You’re an idiot. It’s back to the cold wooden bench for you.

So what has two weeks of seclusion and frustration brought me? Well for starters, the realization that I’m not dealing with and have not made serious attempts to deal with any of my ‘real’ issues. TriniTeacherClare warned me that filling voids with hate and resentment was a big no-no, but did I listen? Nope. Sure it helped me through some tough points, but the ultimate side effects are paranoia, despondency and a general ‘don’t give a damn’ attitude to all and sundry. My immediate solution? Why waste time, effort, energy being angry with someone? F*ck em. F*ck em all. (Ok so I need to work on this one some more)

Well there’s nothing I can do about the ‘other thing’ really, but to either seek professional help or find bigger and better distractions. Seeing that I’ve just spent loads on a digicam…guess which one I’m going for? Seriously though, I’m going to have to do some checks and make some calls. Can’t see any other way at this point.

Aye, anyone else bought the new Mars Volta? Crazy stuff isn’t it? 16 minute songs? Yo, these bitches be on some sticky icky shite for real dog! I’m jus’ sayin’ tho. (That uber black moment was brought to you by the letters H and L. H for horse dung and L for lack of sleep. Oh and S. S for steups)

On the positive side of things (I know some of you are chocking for breath right now. “Did he say positive?”) I’m sorta at the point I wanted to be, one year into my stay here. Sorta. I should have travelled a bit more, but that’ll still happen. I’ve seen crap loads of bands and gigs and shows and art galleries and photo exhibits and museums and been to many parts of the UK (not enough though) and met people of different countries and races and cultures and ate (often resulting in bouts of sick) many different foods from many different places and many pints of beer and many glasses of wine and many classic conversations to compliment them. Though it took a while, I got the IT job I was looking for…in gaming company too. (if mom was still around, I’d be rubbing that in her face…in a good way of course) What turned out to be a complaint email due to a ‘defective’ copy of Brian Lara’s Cricket, turned into a 3rd floor spot behind a desk . It helped fund what I’m hoping will be my ticket out of the very same stinkin’ IT field. If it doesn’t turn into a 2nd career, it’ll be a first rate hobby…and I would still have foreign IT experience under my belt. It’s a win-win I say.

And yet, I’m not happy. Some of you may think that I'm just being a bitch about things, but you're just flippin' stupid and probably very unattractive. Maybe even a little smelly. So before you flap yuh gums, put yourself in my shoes. Think any of it matters if you're not stable emotionally? You try it.

(In time.

I guess.

I hope.

It'll get better.

Too far to give up now)

(?)

Six Million Ways To Die

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 00:14:54 GMT

Ahh, there’s nothing like grabbing a copy of your favourite London newspaper to help make the afternoon commute that much more enjoyable. Today’s headlines? The Al Qaeda guy on trial for terrorist plots. The court (and now the general public) heard of elaborate plans to detonate radioactive bombs in the West End, poisoned gas bombs in Heathrow, blowing up tube lines under the Thames and detonating explosives at major train stations. It doesn’t end there either. He admitted to it being a small part of a larger plan, that involved more attacks in the US etc. Nice right? Yeah…as if the cramped smelly tube wasn’t enough, now I have these cheery images in my head!

Earlier last month terrorists gave an answer to the question I’ve always asked. “Why kill innocent people? What did we do?” Well, apparently we’ve voted for the government in power. The very same government that issued the armies that invaded their countries. So, ultimately we’re responsible and must die. Right. Ok. Lemme ask this one then, “Why kill the innocent people that had nothing to do with the government?”

Then we had the bird flu. Where the hell did that go to? I remember the media frenzy when I got here. If I remember correctly, it did hit the UK mainland. They quarantined an entire town when two dead swans were found. Total chaos. Facts about the wind if it became airborne was thrown around. Migrating birds may spread it all the way from the UK to the far east. It was the end of the friggin’ world! Apparently not. (Yet?)

Then we have global warming. They’re saying that if something major isn’t done in the next ten years, the earth is doomed. Yup, everything was f*ckin’ peachy before global warming! Along it came to make the earth a terrible place to live. If the immense heat into bitter winters don’t kill us all, the earthquakes and flooding will. Then there’s the financial fallout…the new ‘wet your pants with fear’ thing that’s big on the news. It will be so expensive to maintain eco friendly standards of living, we can expect inflation o’ plenty in many countries. Taxes will be much higher, food stuffs will be more expensive and of course, your pay check will seem that much smaller. (It might be, since employers will need the extra £ to run their businesses in eco friendly mode)

What’s the moral of this late night rant? Live for NOW! It ain’t gettin' any better, and you ain’t gettin’ any younger baby.
(Yes, I’m in a crap mood! )

Blow Up The Outside World

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 16:16:09 GMT

All attempts at distracting myself and ignoring the obvious came crashing down in the wee hours this morning. I’m really in no state to even be blogging, but I’m clutching at straws right now. Don’t know what else to do really. I’ve read articles, searched my soul, listened to advice from various sources…and honestly? I can’t say there’s been any positive difference. Here’s where people would tell me “give it time”. Fuck time. That’s not my problem here, nor is it a solution. I’ve said this before. Time is just the vessel you’re riding over the sea of life. What you do with and in your vessel is what counts I think. So, if I’m just to sit here and “give it time”, but not make any ‘real’ moves to shed regret, guilt, anger all that shit…what’s the point? Really. What. Is. The. Point? Steups. Forgive me if I ignore that suggestion from hence forth. We’re at Brighton’s pebble ‘beach’ yesterday, just walking along and the like. Out of the hundreds of people all around, I happened to fix my eyes on a woman pushing a baby buggy. She stops to adjust her baby’s ‘seat belts’ or something. In the process however, the white balloon in her baby’s hand manages to detach itself from the curly ribbon (still in hand) and make its way into the windy, open sky. I stood there watching the little girl staring at the balloon as it drifted higher and higher. She looked at the limp ribbon in her hand, then tried to spin around to her mother, who was now resuming her buggy pushing duties. Fucked up. There’s nothing worst for a baby is there? She’s too little to kick a fuss. The only thing she can do is look longingly at what was. Too little to grab the attention of the only person that may have been able to help her out. Lost in the sea of grown ups all around. Left clinging to what is. This rode my mind for the rest of the day. I’m sad like that apparently. Came crashing down in the wee hours of this morning. Now I’m not going out of my way to LOOK for shit to depress me here. I’m beginning to think the powers that be keep shoving it down my throat. I would love to know how other people went about dealing with something like this…but I’m beginning to realize finding someone who’s been through the wringer is just as complicated as cover-ups and distractions. You were right Gav. Drinking does not help. (Well drinking Stella doesn’t help). I wanna call my brother to see how he’s doing, but I’m a bit scared. Our family isn’t the chummy chummy type like some others that I’ve seen. I don’t want it to be really. I have a strong dislike for many of them anyway. I’ve lost my balloon. Painfully watched it slowly drift away from me. Too little to do anything. Frantically looking for help, but none comes. The unseen hand continues to push me through life. I have no control. Crashing down in the wee hours of this morning. Forget our problems. Miscommunications in the past. We’ve had too much together for that shit. She was good to you. They all were. It had to be a normal home front with one of us right? Couldn’t say goodbye for the last time. Fucking pathetic. Forgiveness will never come. How can it? The last straw. Final nail in the coffin. Wee hours this morning.

I Now Know What Wellies Are

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 21:28:38 GMT

Friday night and I’m supposed at a ‘private party’ in Shoreditch. So why am I curled up in bed, eating ‘red mango’, babbling to you guys and listening to music? Too much on my mind I guess. This week has been one for the ‘It Sucked’ scrapbook I’m afraid. Even if I manage to overcome laziness and the weight of my duvet, I’d still have to deal with the rain and slightly chilly night air. That’s one battle that won’t be fought tonight.

Doorbell?

Everyone’s back to doing their best ‘secret agent routine’ on the buses and tubes again. You know, cleverly peering over the top of their newspapers, watching people from the corner of their eyes…
Yeah, we need to be vigilant, but this is damn ridiculous.

Ahh, cool song.
…so kniiives ouuut…

On my way, a woman came onboard the crowded tube at Mile End. I only caught a glimpse of her through the sea of standing bodies, but it was enough to trigger a ‘freak out’. Along came the beads of sweat, fast breathing and ‘heart jack-hammering its way out of my chest’ routine. I had to get off at the next station, just to regain my composure. As I sat there waiting for the next train, I realized that all is not well. I then realized that I’ve said that a thousand and twenty seven times since I left home…and nothing has changed. Three hundred and thirty five days.

Never made lasagna. I think I’ll try it this weekend.

The debate now is...do I give her a call? Too soon you idiot. It's been a while I think. Sigh. Hate this.

LPs On Repeat

Mon, 01 May 2006 20:47:55 GMT

Right. I’ve had just about enough of this bullcrap.

I planned my weekend well. Saw and did all nine things on my list, ending with the Gumball crap yesterday. One would think this is the stuff good dreams are made of right? There’s no way you can go to bed on such a high and NOT have a good night’s kip.

Wrong again.

Somehow I always seem to be robbed of my joy, so to speak. I made this statement to a friend a few weeks back, and we both laughed it off as another corny-ass thing I like to say. Well I'm not exactly laughing anymore. It's up and down, then up and down again. "That's life", I've been told. Really?? Its like putting on a new shirt, stepping outside, and someone throwing a mud pile on your chest. "That's life"

Had another messed up dream. It doesn’t quite fall into the ‘nightmare’ category I think. There’s no drowning or falling or any of that common stuff. It always has to do with my mother or an event back at my house. Seven times so far, with each more messed up than the last. Not going into any details here (trust me, I remember them quite well), but each one has a few similarities…almost like a general plot. Yet there are always significant differences.

I’ve done some research on dreams and nightmares and what exactly causes them. Reasons range from the absurd (eating cheese before bed) to severe depression, anger, guilt etc (no comment). Look, even before I signed on for my campaign of hate, I was having them…so don’t say that’s a reason! Several sources also claimed that the majority of bad dream/nightmare cases occur in children. Bollocks. I think it’s a case of ‘withholding evidence’ by the adults interviewed.

Sigh, either way…added to my insomnia, is just a general sleep phobia now.

What pisses me to knife and FORK off is the fact that I’m trying. I didn’t ask for all this nonsense in my life dammit. What else? WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?

You may have also noticed that the ‘bizarro’ is gone. Not because I’m out of that crap period, but more because I really can’t tell the difference anymore. I hope…really hope, when (if) I get out of this, it’s all worth it.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 01:27:12 GMT

It’s always a weird feeling when you have these ‘moments’ where you realize just how far you’ve come. Then, almost simultaneously, you realize just how far you haven’t.

Resent and hate are words I’ve tried to avoid, let alone associate with anyone. My usual tendency is to brush people aside. It’s my thing, my defence mechanism.
Recently however, I’ve embarked on the ‘road of self destruction’ (or so ‘they’ tell me). Thing is, I’m not entirely sure where all this came from. Maybe they’re right…it is some kinda evil entity that slowly seeps in and gradually builds up over time.

I will admit, it doesn’t feel right. I’m edgier, my fuse got ten times shorter and I do a lot of mental stabbing of people on a daily basis. Eating away at me, this is.
I’ve become slightly less trusting of people on the whole. This isn’t a totally bad thing though, some people don’t deserve to be trusted. Screw ‘em.

Viva hate

*Phew* For a minute there I lost myself (I lost myself)

On The Shelf, Collecting Dust

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 01:54:09 GMT

Another chapter in the ongoing works that is the ‘Book of Zeus’ Life’ has been written. I’m not happy about it…not in anyway, shape or form. What now? What do I do?

Well I’ll tell you what’s happened. I’ve allowed anger, resentment and hate to fill the void. Well I can’t say allowed really, it just popped in there, all uninvited like. There has never been a point in my life to date when I’ve felt like this.

Time to hit the ‘panic’ button. (?)

On the other hand, these ‘negative’ attributes that we’ve always been taught to resist, somehow empowers you. Your thinking and vision becomes somewhat clearer (even a bit skewed). Skewed thinking allows you to see things from angles the average mind may not have.

What was, what is, what will be. It seems a bit clearer. (?)

Barriers are constructed, defences are manned. A necessary move, if you need to survive after that last attack. It was totally unexpected and very devastating…caught you unaware.

Never again. (?)

The tricky part is to monitor defence construction. It must provide the required protection, but at the same time, not become impenetrable. A very hard thing to do as I understand. Many people become shadows of their former selves…never to return to the realm of the ‘normal’.

Such is life (?)

Time will heal (?)

You live, you learn (?)

<Insert cliché here> (?)

Things are different now.

Scream, Scream

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 19:30:30 GMT

Screaming till your lungs heart, at someone in a soundproof room.
(Even if they could, they wouldn’t care)

Let’s all be glad it was us. Hell, we wore the required mourning colours for that one day. We forwarded their emails; we even took a stroll around the Queen’s Park and through Port of Spain. We had our days of prayer. We did our part right? Fourteen and a half minutes later, let's forget.

When it hits home, we’ll cry bloody murder (oh what a racquet it’ll be!)

Time for more winin' and jammin'. It’ll help us forget… It's the Trini way.

(Sometimes the best choice is no choice at all). They’ll soon come begging, beware.

If The Cap Fits...

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:00:20 GMT

Trust is an 'entity' that takes weeks, months, even years to be conceived. Once the offspring of ‘time’ and ‘honesty’ takes its first breath, it will need to grow.
Trust’s survival depends on a steady diet of ‘meaningful and honest conversation and interaction’. Without this, trust is often deformed and malnourished.

Emergency operations can often be performed on trust. Tears, apologies and fresh packs of promises can often be directly transplanted into trust, hence extending its life.
It should be noted however; a one hundred percent recovery should never be expected. Now more than ever, trust needs to be monitored and constantly patched up with equal parts of patience and understanding (two commodities that often in short supply).

Sadly, many trust entities never last that long after its first major operation. It is always best to nurture and maintain trust before it’s too late. Prevention is always better than cure in this case

Retarded analogies aside, you should get the point.
What we need to ask ourselves is this.

Aren’t there unwritten and unspoken ‘laws’ between two trusting parties?
Do we expect too much of the people we trust?
Shouldn’t trust grow somewhat proportionally with time (given the main diet for growth is in place)?
How many operations do you perform on trust before you officially give up?
Do you keep dedicating time and effort on a trust that’s in or heading to a ‘vegetative state’?

When trust is lost, there’s not much you can do about it. Period! Life beyond a broken trust incident can exist, but mentally, you’ll always carry that scar. Honestly think you can live with that scar? You can, but it'll call for all parties involved to wear their best egg-shell-walking-shoes from now on.

Frankly, I’m sick of operating, and my shoes don’t fit me anymore. All this constant ‘crunching’ has pissed me off for far too long.

Songs Of Confusion

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 01:39:29 GMT

My aunt and I sat watching football on Sunday, when out of the blue, she blurts out, “Change the channel…Songs of Praise is on!”. I roll my eyes, kick a mental tantrum and flick the channel. I wasn’t upset about the football game though, (I was busy reading the newspapers anyway) it was more the fact that I really don’t like that particular show.

Songs of Praise (from what I gather) is a weekly program that travels from church to church showcasing their choirs and stories of people in the congregation.

This week, a visibly sick woman spoke about her problems. She’s the mother of nine children, two of which she’s lost to some cancer I think. After having some chest pains of her own, it’s discovered that she indeed also has the same problem. Instead of being angry with God (which is a very human thing to do), she accepts the whole cruel twist of fate.

She said that God couldn’t heal her children here on earth, so He needed to have them up with Him in heaven. I slowly looked up at the television, then slowly over to my Aunt…who promptly told me to “keep quiet”. She KNEW what I was going to say…and I said it anyway.
People find different ways of dealing with their stress at the time. I’m POSITIVE her loss eats at her very soul! The fact that she too will die soon is surely no help is it?

This whole situation, brought me back to one that was closer to home for me.
When my mom was nearing the end, church members would come over and pray for her healing. They’d call for God’s healing hands to do their work. Don’t have to tell you how all that ended right?
Why? Why would they do that? I for one believe that miracles DO indeed happen, but I for one have NEVER actually seen one. (Well not one in this capacity anyway).

I wasn’t around long enough to ask folks just what happened. I’m POSITIVE I would have received varied responses as to why God let things happen the way it did. It’s always some reason or the other. None of which does anyone any good in the end…

Wouldn’t it be easier to accept the facts and ask God to assist with the pain? Ask God to help the person become mentally prepared for their journey to meet Him? I’ve never been in that situation obviously…I can only speculate.

So, I’m at a point where I need answers…not clever acceptance lines being fed to me. I just don’t want to fall in line and shuffle along…WHERE’S THE TRUTH?!? I WANT to believe, but it’s almost like things are happening to convince me otherwise.

Yes, I’ve got some unresolved issues. Wasn’t even trying to hide it. Just blogging about the past was painful. Still waiting for ‘time’ to dispense with the healing…

I’ll continue to hold on?

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 03:31:56 GMT

Can anyone tell me just how is time supposed to heal all wounds?
I’ve never believed it. I hate it when people tell me that.
Time, my friends, is the ‘catalyst’ pain, emotions and negative thoughts needs to continue their destructive ‘reactions’ on the mental and physical plains.

What actually heals the wounds is when you use time to come to terms with the problem, accept what has happened and try to move on.

Usually, you don’t want to use your time replaying painful events. Unfortunately, life being the bitch it is, does that for you. You never forget…try as you may. As time goes on, you work at a solution. As time goes on, your faith, trust and sanity all slowly continue to dissolve away.

Which brings me to this…
I think we as humans, have a hard time wrapping our minds around a lot of things. Sometimes utterly traumatic events happen, and some of us ‘freak out’. Some just go blank. Some can deal with it at the time…but behind closed doors, they’re devastated.

I also think we’ve developed ‘clever’ ways of masking this pain. We start burying ourselves in work or school. We start smoking more. We start drinking more. We start getting involved in prayer and religion more. We drown ourselves in material things.

Quite often, we don’t actually realize we’re doing it…just a natural ‘repair’ mechanism I guess.

I’ve been told the best method is prayer. Sorry, but my faith is has been a bit rusty as of late. Haven’t turned anti-God or anything…but you have to wonder sometimes. Why? Why did things happen the way they did…and why must we continue to be reminded of it…over and over again.

Things happen for a reason and according to His will. Just accept it I’ve been told. Didn’t happen to them right? Easy to dish that line out to someone…supposed to make them feel better I think. Know anyone that it’s actually worked on?

So just what is a good way of dealing with things? I don’t know anymore.
Guess only time will tell?
Right back to square one

I Did Not Have Sexual Bizarro With That Woman!

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 00:08:45 GMT

Well, it's another serious post. Comedy seekers may be excused (yeah, run away from serious topics yuh beyatch!)...ok ok, you can stay

Assisted Suicide - Take a read if you want. This is the story that spawned the post.

My aunt and I had a long talk about this after watching it on the tube. There is no easy choice when it comes to euthanasia is there.

The Plan

What would I do if I was terminal and there was no chance of recovery? (barring a great miracle or the re-emergence of Alladin's lamp)...I'd want to die.

There is no way I can put anyone through the pain and responsiblity of caring for my vegetable ass. Hospitals and care homes will give my relatives the run around, someone will have to pay a full time nurse to watch over me, my children (if that ever happens) would be frustrated (but I suspect they'd be trouble makers, so it could be my final F.U. to the brats). Bottom line, it is MY choice!

After all that macho talk, the question of your choice and God pops into view. Could my master plan to relieve the pain on myself and my loved ones, be my airfare and accomodation (meals included) to that corner spot overlooking the 'lake of fire'?

The doubt and confusion sets in. Most defenitly NOT good times!

There-in Lies The Problem

We have the state and religion as factors in this choice. For some, these are non issues. Their mind is made up, they wanna ded...no gov'ment or church telling dem otherwise! Tho I'm yet to find it (and I must admit, I haven't been actively searching), I'm not sure there's a definte scripture in the Bible that says that suicide is a sin...or wrong at that. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

If this is NOT a sin, I can assume that 'man' at some point determined this practice to be wrong. Customs and practices, being as they are, roll on with the snowball effect, gradually reaching the stage they are today. You know what I speak of people! Example: There are some Christian churches that follow the rule that women must cover their heads before entering the building...it's been passed on thru time, and no one asked why. Stop and think about it. Why? Why would God care if your head is covered? And why women? Rest assured those mothers will tell their daughters, and so it goes. But I digress.

The state is another scene. It's illegal here in the UK (but who's to say it's not done), but available in Switzerland. Why does the state have to get involved here? They're quick to tell people to take your tube feeding family member out of our hospitals...but they would tell them "doh tink about killing them off eh!". I don't know about you, but I can't afford a 24 hour care taker. I also can't rely on a hospital dedicating a nurse 24/7 to take care of someone in that state. What options do you have?

Where It Stands

So basically, I'm all for assisted suicides...within limits of course. The decision should be finalized by the person with the affliction. Their condition should be confirmed by professional (and well recognized) doctors, and all procedures overseen by a lawyer. The decision should be made when you are sound of mind! There should be some test done to ensure this. They must be informed about all issues related to what will happen...both from the state and from the religious aspect. Once they 'sign on the dotted line', it's them and the Most High. We must remember, not everyone is religious and there's no way anyone should force the religious aspect on them.

We also need to verify that little greedy Timmys don't coax their sick relatives into 'buying the farm' prematurely.

Other Comments - Some very interesting posts

...And To Your Horror, It WAS Bizarro Stuck Between Your Toes!

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 01:16:09 GMT

Old people say doh run dong bus and doh run dong 'oman. To be honest, I've never heard any old person say that! That dub song has misinformed us all.

Satan's Transport (or the London Bus System)

Ahhh, the London Bus System. Much can be said about this fine testimony to how a bus system should be implimented. Efficient service times, well planned routes...it's very reliable most of the times. Heck, the sides are even heated! Good times!

But all is not well in Public Transportation Land...not well at all. For deep under the bus drivers ruffled hair lies the brain of a pure evil...and a little lower and to the left, lies the ice cold heart that powers it! Why this scathing attack on the men in blue?? (I think they wear blue). Well for several reasons.

Bus stops are more than a little fixture at the side of the road over here. There's a well defined bus zone. The bus must stop in this painted region before anyone gets on or off. If your backside is NOT at the bus stop when the vehicle is in this zone, crappo smoke yuh ganga (and left the end all spitty).

There are small loop holes tho...the bus doors. They are clear, so you can always put on the 'glassy eyed Bambi routine', and he may open them for you...providing you just about made it to the stop, when the bus is in the well defined zone.

In the event you happen to see the back of the bus...slowly moving away from the well defined zone, take a seat...or join the others who also witnessed the sexy sight of slowly moving bus ass.

This is not so bad, since buses run about every 7-10 minutes during peak hours, slowing in frequency at some points, due to traffic etc.

However, when it's flippin 2 degrees at lunchtime (and it'll get worse as the afternoon progresses), 7-10 minutes may as well be an hour!!! You do what everyone else does...run dong d bus!

This of course perks the interest of everyone standing at the stop, all of whom I believe, secretly want you to fail at your attempt...just to talk about you in their native tongue! Well I assume that's what they're doing ok!!!

Fight On Brothers!

We are not without hope my friends, for I HAVE seen one brave soul launch such an intelligent attack, I just had to blog it!

If you keep your eyes on the side streets as you zoom by, you may notice the odd chap sprinting (bag, baby or Nana underarm) in the hopes of making it to the bus stop in time. Alas, I've seen many a good man get left behind...left to nurse wind pains and sip of the goblet of public humiliation.

Not this bloke, not this time.

I spot this guy bolting out of the side street...I KNOW he'll never make it to the stop. Instead, he makes no attempt to slow down at that failed bus stop. He sprints ahead. Of course, he has tons of obstacles to avoid on the side walk. Pedestrians, Turkish side walk marts, side street traffic...you should see this guy run and avoid. It's like he stole something!

Here's the clever part! He presses the crossing signals as he's progressing up the road. The bus has to stop! He continues till he's at the next stop. Of course he's sweaty...and the bus is heated...and will probably stink somethin' fierce...and should probably head back home for a shower...but NOT THE POINT! He has shown us all a very good lesson...

Get your ass up early and be at the people bus stop!

Note: Not all bus drivers fit the aforementioned description. Alot are actually quite nice, and do stop for you, after you've ran to the point of stitches and waved yuh arms like it was 'las' lap'.

Is That Bizarro In There, Or Just Happy To See Me?

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 03:56:03 GMT

I got my Stereolab ticket in the mail a few days ago.

Just checked my email and got a 'Line Up Change' notification. It says that due to uncontrollable circumstances, the new line up will be..........Stereolab.

Riiight.

If that wasn't strange enough, at the bottom of the email, way past all the apologies and entrance directions etc, I noticed that the actual show date is different.

So, the line up of Stereolab has been changed to Stereolab, but we've changed the date and hope you noticed. Undercover Trinis working at TicketWeb?

Yeah, I'd Like A Dinner Special With A Portion Of Bizarro

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 18:44:40 GMT

Damn Tourists!

You're on the escalator and it's crowded. There's a person almost per step!

What's the worst thing that can happen at the bottom?

Some damn fool takes one step off the thing, and STANDS THERE to look around get his/her bearings. Everyone behind then piles into each other.

Come off and step to the SIDE. The maps are on the walls anyway...so unless they're gifted with 'eyes of the hawk, hawk, hawk'...they're wasting their time. (If you don't get that flashback moment there, you have no childhood)

Eh Heh? Really?

I HATE when musicians (if you can call them that sometimes) at the start of the track, announce that the song you're listening to is a remix. Yup, we wouldn't know have known it a remix right...the whole bit where it doesn't sound like the original, and the different beat n such...yeah, we're that dotish. Steups.

They usually say "This is the remix!" or "Reeeeemiiiiiiix". Yuh serious? Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, I though it was the sound of a giraffe getting castrated.

The Ultimate Deception

So, the sun decided to show itself after almost a week and some of nothing but clouds. But oh how it's a bitch! You see the sun, you can just about feel it's rays...just about. BUT IT'S STILL FLIPPIN' 5 DEGREES! Imagine my horror everytime I get outside feeling like "Yes! Time to soak up the rays!" I doh mind the constant low temps eh, it's the damn wind! When the hell is spring?

Well, I'm sorry for my Russian comrades...it's -30 over there! I would so open a corn soup stall in Red Square!

Enter The Bizarro

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 16:15:29 GMT

What fools these mortals be!

It's pelting rain. You're driving within the speed limit, you're being careful. Doesn't matter, cause a few minutes later, a broken branch comes crashing through your windscreen...and as fate would have it, through your chest. All of a sudden, keeping that packet of extra hot pepper sauce in your top pocket wasn't such a great idea. You die (of course) and the investigation begins.

Your car was in top condition. Tyres weren't smooth, wiper blades were less than a week old...basically there appears to be nothing wrong mechanically.

You weren't drunk, were in good health.

In a case like this, where man can find no wrong in his own doings, it's labelled as 'An Act Of God'.

And now for the twist (M. Night Shyamalan style)

Scenario 1

A month later, it was discovered that you were on your way to engage in freaky circus sex on kitchen appliances with your best friend's man/woman.

Scenario 2

A month later, it was discovered that you were an active member in your community, a great parent and on your way to meet someone at a 'Feed the Homeless' site in Port Of Spain.

Lemme tell you exactly what people would say!

Reactions to Scenario 1 will be along the lines of "God punish yuh for yuh wicked ways". I highly doubt anyone but your cheating lover will have anything good to say about you...and even then, that one night when you had that 'back ache' may come into question. Not good times.

Reactions to Scenario 2 is always the same....ALWAYS. Only God knows best. It was your time, and God needed you for better things else where. That or, just no real comment. Just nod solemnly and get on with your life.

The End?

Although those scenarios are obviously very extreme, you should get my drift. Think of people that you know that have died. Be it good or bad, natural causes or of their own devices...we all have some view/reason as to why they died. What I DON'T get, is the convenient blaming/praising of God.

If something happens to someone or some group of people you don't particulary like...and it's an Act of God, that act is a good or justified thing.

Hurricane Katrina on New Orleans was praised by some religious communities as being some Godly cleansing of the perverse 'Girls Gone Wild' hosting city. Some factions in the Middle East saw this as a 'victory', as God punished the US for their previous actions. Hell, alot of NON Middle Eastern people saw it as some kinda sign.

Some musicians, actors and sports personalities however saw it in a different light. A great loss of theatres, blues and soul heritage and famous sporting venues. "How could God allow this to happen to this blessed city?"

Now apply the same scenarios on the Pakistan Eearthquake, Asian Tsunami, Hurricane Ivan over Grenada or any 'Act of God'.

I have no final view on this topic. Not a clue of what to make of it all. If I'm to believe that there is a Higher power (and I do strongly believe there is), I'm baffled as to why any of these things would happen at all. A part of life? These things happen?

So what do you believe? God rewarding man's actions? Just the way things are supposed to be?

Just nod and move on.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:57:07 GMT

Where does an animal sleep when the ground is wet?
Cows in the ballroom, chickens in the farmer's Corvette.
Sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony gets depressed.

How does an animal feel once the sun has set?
Bandits in the capital, limited civilian unrest.
Sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony gets depressed.

What kind of animal will need to smoke a cigarette?
Grass in the pasture is sharper than a bayonette.
Sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony gets depressed.

"Heaven just won't leave me alone", says a bird in her nest.
"Get a load of this f**kin' view, its the best in the west"
Sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony, sometimes a pony gets depressed.

The Silver Jews - Sometimes A Pony Gets Depressed

Something strange is afoot. I can't explain it, I don't know what it is...I could possibly be going crazy for all I know. Investigations are continuing.