God Zeus' Domain: Random Assness

We Return Like Jesus, When The Whole World Need Us

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 02:27:48 GMT

It’s been a while hasn’t it? How long has it been…weeks? Months? Too damn, that’s how long.

Firstly, I’d like to thank the ever present and often under appreciated internal “auto-pilot”. It always gets me home no matter what nonsense I get myself into. There was a point where I was looking down at my speedometer and thinking, “Damn nigga, you ain’t supposed to be driving this fast, son.” (yeah, my inner voice goes from distinguished English gentleman to gangsta rapper when tipsy). Reckless, stupid behaviour on my part, yes I know. My luck will run out someday and I give you all permission to tell my corpse, “I told you so”. *

There’s no way I can even start to explain all the crazy shite that’s been going on in my life. It’s heavy baby, real heavy. I should update this thing on the regular though. Everyone kept asking, and frankly, I have no real excuse. We’ll keep things nice and light for this one. (I am dying to speak my mind on several pressing matters too. Idiot friends and silly women, beware)

So beside giving my liver random and unnecessary workouts, I’ve been polluting the minds of my countrymen and women via a lil magazine who's name rhymes with ‘Blorch’. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea (isn’t mine at times), but I get to be creative. As a friend put it, it's like a printed version of my silly thoughts. (I took it as a compliment) Oh this gig also puts food on the table. I do freelance work for another mag as well…well I’ll continue to do so if my demands are met. Till then, my balls I do present for them to suck upon.

I am the robot man, I'm the robot man.

Random Camera-phone Pics of "The Great Down-D-Islands Drink Weekend"

Aww, what a nice sunset. We'd be saying the same about the sunrise the next day. From the same spot in the same clothes. It nice.

Yeah, we had a pretty impressive tally at the end. Take that you alcoholic beverages!

Next stop, the ground. Nah, I survived. My last few braincells however...

Meet me, meet me, terrible daughters. Cry out, cry out.

You Decide...

I’ve either got the greatest taste on the planet or I’m a complete idiot. It doesn’t really matter, since Patrick Manning is still a jackass.

Blow out that cherry bomb, for me.

What The Bilbo Teabaggins Is This?

Sons of bitches! So my favourite, cheapo brand has decided to make some teabag changes. On the left is the old way they did things. A nice and simple seal at the top, with an easy to open wrapper. On the right is the new and very frustrating design. The teabag is now integrated with the packaging, so you have to tear it off. They’ve gone with a staple and messy fold at the top that allows the tealeaf shite to get into your brew! I’m finding myself tapping the bag like a nurse with a needle, before I dunk it in the cup. Poor to the third power Lipton!

Oh, but where are your friends tonight?

Product Design Gone Wrong

Dial advertised this bar for men as having ‘easy to handle grips’, since wet soap is known to break into eel mode at times. Where do I begin…well, its aahh, fucking stoopid! (say with a Brooklyn accent). Those grips are a total waste! Not only is it just to one side of the bar, but the steam from your shower could melt them before you even start. Who thought this through I wonder. “Let’s put two millimetre notches on the side of the bar. This’ll be the last word in soap handling technology for years to come”. I think little “sweet cheeks” there in county prison, currently being ravaged in the showers will have something to say about it. So on behalf of his assailant, thanks Dial. Thdial. **

A Work In Progress

Came to me in a dream. I'll put the finishing touches on there soon. My foreign readers are lost. If you want to scare young children, read this to them.

Right, I'm heading off to do something productive. I don't get paid to talk shite. Oh wait, I do! Ka-kow!
The pics below - a shark's jaw (take that Jaws, you sneaky bastard) and some snaps from a restaurant review I did for the mag.

* - that paragraph sounded funnier in my head at the time.
** - If you understood that joke and where it came from, write it down in your copybook.

Still Thinking Of A Dumb Title That Includes The Word 'Random'

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 02:34:26 GMT

Thank you soul sucking apple Apple Corp* for using my favourite Brendan Benson song 'What I'm Looking For' on your damn iTouch ad. You’ve now enabled every tech savvy yuppie out there to act like they know what’s up with the cool music shit. If you’re a newbie to Mr. Benson, please note that he has a number of fantastic albums that you should check out in its entirety! Give the man his props! Also, thanks for sending my blog hits through the roof in recent weeks. I featured that very song in my Lyrics 101 section about a year ago and the page is coming up on someone’s search engine. To help boost my hits, I’ll be including some commonly searched for, words and phrases below:

Breasts, Clinton, Obama, Britney Spears, corpse disposal for dummies, hot porn, Grand Theft Auto IV, Free X-box 360, Free iPhone, suicide bombing for beginners, Liverpool FC, Radiohead, David Beckham, how do I stop the itching?, Free MP3, dating, singles, am I too ugly to get a date?, suicide made easy, Lewis Hamilton, penis enlargement kit, emergency penis reduction kit, local hospital emergency numbers.

Right, onto less serious matters…

Scoping Things Out (corny as hell, I know)

Thirsty? Got nothing handy? Drink this...

When it comes to mouthwash, I love experiencing the numbing sensation that only Listerine can provide. I mean, who wants to cuddle and snog bad breath? That exactly what you’re doing when you use sub-par mouthwashes folks. For some odd reason, I decided to deviate from my usual dental hygiene plan and reach for some Scope. Mistake number one was not getting your standard mint or mint variant. I went for Citrus Splash or as its now known, “some ole orange horseshite in a bottle”. Seriously, it was like swishing that powered orange mix drink you get at KFC or McDonalds around in your mouth. Totally ineffective! Don’t buy it!

Breakin' Out? Yeah, But Worth It

And to the list of food related issue that I’m having lately, we can add the embarrassing “I break out when I eat chocolate” right in there. I’m somehow reverting to my teenage years it seems! Who breaks out when they eat chocolate at my age? Still though, I willingly shoved them into my word-hole with little complaint. I love dark chocolate. Like 60% dark and over. 85% is a stretch, but goes great with a smooth pinot. I’m telling you all this in the hopes that some hottie invites me over for a bit of chocs n wine. Such a vivid imagination eh? Thanks again for the chocs B ;)

City Shrinking
My good buddy G sends me this mindblowingly cool website CityShrinker.com. Everything looks miniature, but they’re all real pics of real places! Being the photo geek that I am, I was determined to figure out how the hell this guy’s pulling this shite off. No luck with his getting a hold of his official method, but there’s a clever Photoshop hack that simulates it. After some false starts, I think these two are sorta passable.

I’m supposed to be doing an assignment for class on “uniting a nation”. Of course it’s sitting behind the “Soca Warriors” one that should have been completed for last Tuesday. My brother told me submit the word ‘fuckery’ 1200 times on both documents. At this stage, I’m almost considering that to be an option!

Hmm, I just read this entry over and realized it's utter crap. Why did I even bother posting tonight? Better question is why did you read it!

* - This rant was proudly made on a Macbook Pro

Bandwidth Exceeding Random Goodness

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:52:56 GMT

Umm, so we’re off to a shaky start to the week. Had a very interesting convo with the ex last night. Things started off swimmingly, but soon degraded into ‘more of the same’. Here’s the point where almost everyone rolls their eyes and says, “Serves you right fucktard!” Honestly, am I wrong for trying to keep things civil? I dunno anymore . Anyhoos, this ain’t the Dirty Laundry Airing Hour, so onto the real reason you’re all here: Randomness and shite-loads of it!

Valentines Shmalentines

Yup, my ingenious plan was to have a genuine Valentines nod this year and not the usual ‘pity nods’ as of late. Two guesses as to how that went folks. I thought this year God will look upon me and have pity. I thought He will rain down upon me, a mighty sprinkling of pheromones so that I may attract a mate. He would look upon our subsequent coupling and declare it good. Alas, no such thing happened (surprise surprise) and me sitting naked in the yard proved to be nothing more than an easy meal for the mosquitoes.

Hands down my fav: Handmade by A, full of tiny hearts and a cute message discouraging me from suicide. Good times!

So all my winking, smiling and shaving of legs went unnoticed by the female community and I was forced to accept my three cards, one box of chocolate, online community greetings and many international phone calls and emails on the day. Sigh, one can’t help but feel unwanted, you know?

(I am SUCH a bastard, honestly!)

Homemade Bread Anyone?

Oven fresh bread? Damn skippy. Melted cheese sarnies all round!

Make bread from scratch and it comes out great. Make bread using a bread-maker and it comes out like shite. Well, not this time folks. No damn bread-making bastard machine will make me the laughing stock of my home again! After reviewing my mistakes and modifying the recipe, we have ourselves a tasty loaf that would make a true baker cry. Ladies, what more do you want huh?

Who I’m Diggin’ Right Now

Working For A Nuclear Free City

Getting this album was nothing short of traumatic! Don’t believe me? Try asking a Trinidadian CD store about this band. Observe their reaction carefully. Next, observe the reaction of amazon.co.uk as you effortlessly place your order. Hmm.

Businessmen & Ghosts is fantastic stuff by the lads from Manchester. Indie electronica at its most satisfying! The tracks range from danceable at times to simply quite moving. They’re nice and ‘bite sized’ in length, so there’s a hearty 29 song serving on there. Check it out if it tickles ya fancy. If it doesn't, STFU and move on then...

Cool vid for 'Rocket'

Download the latest version of Flash to view this content

Working For A Nuclear Free City - Official/Myspace

Doubles (The food of the Gods!)

The only thing better than a hot woman, hot sex and hot Lost is hot doubles.
Working on a way to combine all three. I already have Lost, who's up for the other two?

So here’s what doubles look like, my foreign friends. The outer fluffy bits are called 'bara'. That’s made from flour and erm, other stuff. The filling is chick peas or as it’s locally known, channa. No, I have no clue how any of this is made, so I won’t pretend. It’s probably dropped from the heavens by the Almighty himself! The doubles pictured above is from the BEST doubles man in Trinidad, ‘The Original Sauce’. Don’t tell me otherwise or I’ll stab you in the neck with a sharpened toothbrush! He’s the best, fullstop! We've developed a bond of sorts over the years. He asked me about my trip, asked me about my ex (not a cool eating convo btw) and tonight, he asked how I was coping with the change of being back home. It's just odd that my freakin' doubles guy has shown more interest than some of my rubbish friends at times. Well that and my rubbish friends don't give me tasty doubles at the end of it all

Why Did They Bother?

Did anyone else have the great misfortune of watching the new Knight Rider remake movie? My word, was that shite! I would diss it by saying it was best sent straight to DVD, but really…it’s not even worthy of a betamax cassette. My friend G and I spent the latter half of the ‘movie’ just ripping it to shreds. Trust me on this one people, avoid like the aids! Don’t watch it if your life depended on it. Choose death. Scrape your eyes out if you don’t trust yourself. DO NOT WATCH IT! (Hope the actual series is better than this)

One Third Of Cerberus? Yup, I'm Convinced...

Be afraid. Nope, screw that...just run! (gotta love my MS Paint handywork right?)

Next we have my bro’s bull terrier. Now I’m no fan of big dogs to start with, and for two years old…this damn dog’s big enough. Needless to say I’m no fan of THIS particular dog. She goes from overly playful (which pisses me off) to fuckin’ demonic (which scares me to pieces). There’s nothing more depressing than facing her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. My bro’s going to read this and train her to maul me…

And we end with a sprinkling of pics. The stick fighters snap was from Arima's carnival launch. The moon snaps were from the lunar eclipse the other night. After last year's shoddy showing, I was determined to get it right! All I need now is a proper telephoto (200mm ain't cutting it for moon shots) and I'm in business. The carnival pics were from my brief visit to the capital on the Tuesday. Check em all out in the Carnival Snaps.

Trini Carnival And Other Retarded Topics...

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 05:01:35 GMT

It’s Carnival Monday here in Trinidad, which means you’re doing one of three things…

1 – Playing ‘mas’ whilst sporting the skimpiest of costumes. You’ll be sun-burnt to a crisp come Ash Wednesday. You’ll die from skin cancer a few years later. USE SUNBLOCK next time!

2 – You’re on religious side and you’re on some sorta prayer retreat far, far away from anything Carnival related. You pray for the souls of the heathens that are currently drinking, smoking and dry humping each other on the nation’s streets. Secretly you pray for a cleansing wave of fire and brimstone to rain down upon them from the heavens! Or not.

3 – You’re like me. You’re incredibly sexy. You sit at home with some Earl Gray, Jaffa Cakes and you scratch your balls intermittently. Sod it all you say. Sod it all.

From any angle you look at it, I’ve had just about enough of this Carnival bollocks. Really! I’ve been to two fetes* and that was more than enough for me…for a long time. Kama Sutra in the country club (utter nonsense) and Trini Posse’s cooler fete in Chaguramas (a lil bit better than Kama Sutra). Sadly even copious amounts of Corona beer couldn’t shield me from the bullshit that is modern soca music. When A’s husband visited from the UK, he brought up the same thing I’ve been bitching about for years. He couldn’t understand why he was hearing the same songs every few minutes.

Music Scheme Of ‘Any Fete’

DJ plays songs X, Y and Z. Even though you’ve heard these songs TO DEATH on the radio, telly, from people’s cars, in bars, on airplanes, in submarines, from the neighborhood cats… etc.
The 1st soca band (or as I call them, professional cover artists) comes on and plays their set. Their set consists of 2 original songs and about 1,000 cover songs of other people’s music. They hide their lack of talent with loads of dancers, cameos and on stage antics.
Once the band is off, the DJ then plays songs X, Y and Z again! He’ll change the order this time, so it appears ‘new’. He’ll throw in a few golden oldies to remind you of how good soca used to be, but once he sees that he’s isolating the young-un’s in the crowd, it’s right back to the bullshit music
The 2nd soca band comes on and plays their set. Yes folks, it’s more of the same. Same bullshit songs that you already heard…just different dancers and lighting effects (if you lucky)
DJ comes on after and does his thing. Songs X, Y and Z being shoved up your arse AGAIN.
By the time the 3rd and 4th bands get on, please be well on your way to collapsing from alcohol poisoning, since you will be doing a lot of drinking to numb the pain.

A fete for me is a chance to go hang with friends. Frankly, at the cost of fetes these days, I’m not bothering anymore. For a quarter of that cost, buy some drinks and snacks and come meet me at my house for a house lime. Hell, if you wanna dry hump me in the living room…who am I to stop ya?

Random Pic For No Apparent Reason

Ahh yes. One of the joys of living in the tropics is all the unique bugs and insects one can find. Actually, they find you...usually when you're snuggled in bed, or at the scary bit of a movie, or on the loo. This huge moth came into my room the other night and I just had to reach for the camera. I did cup it in my hands and whisper "go call on the eagles for help", but it never returned. The eagles didn't either. Ahh, come on, we all saw The Fellowship Of The Ring...don't look at me like I'm crazy!

Sorry, Still Lost!

I swear television set sales increase when this show is on. People worldwide chuck the nearest object at the screen once the episode is over. The remote, a glass, a plate, the wife…anything that’s handy goes screen-bound come credit rolling time. What the hell is going on with that Lost?!? Oceanic six? Guy in the rocking chair? Not Penny’s boat? No Michelle Rodriguez? ;)

My top character pick this week will be Sayid. Even if he’s not a primary character for the episode at hand, he’ll be #1 for me. He has the RIGHT attitude for survival. No love and feelings clouding his judgment. Just torture and or shoot anything that gets in the way.

The characters I cannot stand and ‘hope get killed off soon’ will be Sun and Kate. Sun because she’s a cheating waste of space and Kate because she’s a ‘love-triangle having’ waste of space. Wonder why feminists haven't protested about the way female characters are portrayed? Hmm.

Don't even want to know how much chronic Lost searching this person did, but here's a map of the island (so far).

And We Have...

A package of Jaffa Cakes and junk mail my aunt sent for me! The Jaffa Cakes...thank you. The spam mail? Umm, did you really have to? I've literally been holding back on scoffing the lot in one day. I'm an addict with not immediate source

OK. I'm sleepy. A few pics and I'm calling it a night...well morning. Up and about tomorrow for some snaps in town.

Here are a few odd ones I took a few weeks ago. The first one one is HDR from Mount St. Benedict and the other two are sunset pics from the Lady Young Road and West Moorings respectively.

* - To my UK readers: A Trinidadian ‘fete’ is NOTHING like the fete as known in your country. Trust me on that one :)

‘Burn Baby Burn’ or ‘Got A Light, Mate?’

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 04:55:37 GMT

Ahh yes, what better way of sticking it to ‘The Man’, but by filling the air with the smoke of a good ole effigy. Not-so-oddly, this sort of action only seems to take place in a certain part of the planet. Not pointing any fingers at India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and environs, but you know which countries I’m talking about *wink wink*. Nothing says, “We’re an angry bunch that’ll kick the shite outta you and the evil you stand for” like burning a crudely constructed object representing your victim.

I’m thinking the appearance of an effigy during a mob rally is something like the cake coming out at a child’s birthday party. The kids can’t wait to get their hands on a piece of the action! You know there’ll be that one guy that ONLY showed up for the burning and beating. He couldn’t give a damn about the cause. He’ll brave the random third-world police beatings. He just wants to be there when that match is struck! Once that baby’s smoldering down to ash, he’s already fiddling with his car keys and telling his friends, “I say chaps, we’ve had a smashing good one today. Same time next week? Well done and cherrio old beans!” (Yes, my fictitious characters are posh Brits for some reason)

The latest (that we’ve heard about anyway) is a protest against Indian car manufacturer TATA and their new Nano line of cars. I use the word ‘cars’ there very loosely as I think it’s nothing more than a family coffin on four small wheels. Now, I’m not saying that the less fortunate shouldn’t be mobile…I’m saying that the people with the power to do so, shouldn’t make a car in these modern times with NO safety features!!!

You can tell this car's fast. Note the Ferrari styled air vents near the rear door. Hmm

According to the BBC’s article, the car is made of sheet metal and plastic (held together by adhesive…not welding) and has no airbags or power windows, no power steering, no air-conditioning system (yeah, they won’t need THAT feature in India)...shit, the damn thing just has NO POWER. There’s a 624CC engine in that thing. Forget driving up hills, good luck on small road humps under full load! But I digress…

Erm, Where Do I Start With This?

The townspeople of the area the car factory is located took to the streets with effigy and torches in hand to give some photographer a great photo-op. They were well cheesed-off about not farmers not getting back some land that was promised to them by the company.

So here’s a few things I’ve noticed from that picture…

Top right area – Police officers standing idly by enjoying the show? This shite is legal I’m assuming.
Various faces in the crowd – Smiles galore! These are the people there for ‘cake’. When Mr. Rubber Bullets and Tear Gas make a guest appearance, they’re in their Nano’s barreling down the road at 10mph.
I’m loving the mock-up of the Nano as well. Nice touch with the black curtain windows, front grill and wooden suspension. Yeah, someone took arts and craft class serious!
Guy in the bottom left – Erm, someone should tell him that it’s not a real car. No need to try stealing the painted on fog-light. He’s watching the bloke in the purple sleeveless sweater and wondering, “Yo, what the f*ck is you wearin’ dog?”

So, I’ve had a bit of fun with the whole effigy thing, but I am intrigued by it. I think it’s amazing that people in that part of the world can see this as a viable form of protest. I dare you to try that in our western countries! I’m willing to bet money that nightfall will find you in a cell or in a hospital bed. Who’s really enjoying freedom? (OK don’t answer that)

Here’s a collection of other noteworthy effigy burnings

Pakistan Lose To Ireland In Cricket

Even local sports heroes aren't immune. Lose to a rubbish team...get your poster burned! Simple

The Shilpa Shetty/Jade Goody Big Brother Scandal

Erm, knowing Hindi would be handy right about now. Well done with the Wicker-Man thing I guess?

The Pope Makes A No-No

Reactions after the pope made comments about the 'violent nature of Islam'. Yup, Christianity has always enjoyed a violent free past apparently...hmm

Sticking Up For The Boss

Lawyers stick it to President Musharraf after a chief judge is suspended. Looks like they've done it on their lunch break too

(And finally, my personal fav, and a great example of effigy burning gone terribly wrong...)

The Shilpa Shetty/Richard Gere Scandal

Used-to-be fans burn Ms Shetty's poster after she was hugged and kissed by Mr. Gere at an Aids awareness function. Yup, can't make this up folks

To Hell With 2008

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 21:19:40 GMT

The Unavoidable Ramble
So folks, how was Christmas? Fat bastard in the red suit bring you what you wanted? Got all shit-faced for New Years? Finally got some snog time going with that guy/gal/'guy and gal simultaneously' you had your eye on all year? Found out who your real father is? No matter what you did (or didn’t do as the case may be) you have to admit that 2008 will be a shite year! Doom and freakin’ gloom for all and sundry! Why bother living through it. Stop eating properly, throw those multi-vitamins away. Just lay down and wait for sweet, sweet death. Die with all your might!

Of course I ramble on about the predictions of the two Venezuelan psychics we have staying here (illegally perhaps?). Forget those Columbian rebels Mr. Chavez, come take these two horsewomen of the crapocalypse back to your damn country! I mean, between them both they predicted nuclear attacks, poisoned water in the US, social breakdown and rampant crime in Trinidad. Sure the world’s going to shite, but what we don’t need are these two bitches to tell us this on the 2nd flippin’ day of the new year, now do we? On a weird note however, one of them predicted that the cost of fake jewelry would increase this year. WTF does that have to do with anything?

More Of The Same
Whilst I wait for sure death and pain, life trudges slowly on. Still unemployed and scratching me bollocks at home. I’ve had some interviews (if you can call them that) and they’ve been semi-fruitful. HEY! I had my first paying photography gig on Friday past! I had to cover the official launch of carnival in Arima for Digicel. Yes it paid peanut shells, but I got some fantastic pics and made some great contacts. I did mention the peanut shells right? Basically, I need to keep my mind active. Just finished Mac OSX: Beyond The Manual...which in itself has been very informative (helped me solve a very annoying problem), and should be starting some books on Dreamweaver and CSS. I’m just in a studying mood these days. My inner geek’s been away too long it seems.

Tasty Heartaches
My good friend A sent me a box of Jaffa Cakes for my birthday! Thanks to the wonderful snail mail service we have going, I finally got it yesterday. Now if someone will send me some milk and proper tea, I’ll be in business! (Picky bastard ain’t he?)

What I'm Diggin' Right Now...

Sharon Jones And The Dap Kings

Fantastic old timey soul music here people. It's almost hard to believe it's a 2007 release! Thanks to woxy.com again (first plug for the new year), I'm now the proud owner of 100 Days, 100 Nights...which in my humble and insignificant opinion is a bloody good record. I love a woman that's confident with herself behind a mic. It comes across by the bucketload through her lyrics and her voice. Hey, let's not forget the music! The Dap Kings are in ripping form on this one! If this is your thing, don't think...just buy it already!

Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings - Official/Myspace

Radiohead - In Rainbows

No surprises with this one right? Radiohead can collectively burp into a mic, throw effects over it and release it as an album…and I’d buy it! Luckily for us all, this wasn’t the case :) We got ourselves a cracking album. After the first two listens, I deemed In Rainbows to be a nose-hair behind OK Computer in greatness. Yup, I went there and will stick by that decision! It’s good! There probably isn’t a true Radiohead fan that won’t already own this, so all you skeptics out there, give it a go nah…

Radiohead -Official/Myspace

(Not sure if this was used as an official promo item, but it's funny as crap!)

So anyways, I have loads of blog posts in ‘draft’ mode, and I’ll be publishing them as time goes on. Still yet to finish my gigs roundup...and that long awaited Lost rant. You know what? It’s not even relevant anymore. When does Lost season 3 start? Did that writer’s strike ground it? Lemme leave you with some random pics I should have posted ages ago. So the story with these pics are somehow I 'misplaced' the originals. Why it wasn't a part of my regular backup set is a mystery to me. So the blog set I did for you guys is the only copies I have . Really liked the museum snaps too!

Wh-what the Falkland Islands is going on with the size of those picture thumbnails? Been off this thing for a while and it's gone all weird on me

Normal Random Service Has Resumed

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 05:48:00 GMT

This is going to be a quickie folks. My arms are at dropping off point and I'm exhausted right now.

Righty-O. Lets start with the facts…

Fact 1 – Déjà vu? (Déjà vu?)
We’ll ignore the month and some I haven’t blogged. Loads, and I mean LOADS of interesting things have happened! If I was to even give you 1/16th of the crazy-spit that’s transpired, your browser’s cache would explode! Well technically, your HD will explode…and even then, it’s dependant on how much space you allocated for your browser’s cache. OK, I’m talking out of me arse here. There’s no such thing as exploding HD’s (unless you’re in a Die Hard movie or something). But I digress…

Fact 2 – Driving Miss Daisy (into the back of a another vehicle)
I’m alive and I’m currently at my spiffy computer desk, in my bedroom…in sweet Trinidad (sweet being used loosely there). What's extraordinary here is the fact that I’M ALIVE! No thanks to the hundreds of crazy drivers on the roads, mind you. Yah bunch of crazy bastards. Go crash into trees or something. Kill yourself by yourself I like to say (great role model right? Go tell your kids Uncle Zeus says ‘hi’). Seriously though, I’ve only been driving for two weeks and I’ve had three clear sightings of the grim reaper! (He has a curly perm now if you must know)

Fact 3 – Hungry? Grab a Snickers (if you can afford it)
WTF happened to food prices? I took my aunt to Sweet Lime on what’s-that-street in Port of Spain and I almost passed out at the prices! That was my sorta posh, but not so posh eating joint, back in the day. Now I’ll have to reconsider. $7.50 for a loaf of bread? $17 for a Corona? You shittin’ me right? $3 for a doubles? $20 for a damn bake n’ shark? OK, I paid for the bake n’ shark without complaint at the time, since I was craving it. But in keeping with true Trini tradition, I’ve complained AFTER eating and enjoying it anyway! Oh, the Brits think it’s pretty barbaric that we eat shark. “Shark’s are endangered”, they say. Ummm, **thinking of clever excuse** Oh, gotta wash my hair AND I have a headache…and even if I didn’t, I’m not in the mood. I’m also quite sleepy. I’ve got a rash down there. **scampers out of room**

Music Break

Man, I am digging The Budos Band like crazy. Since I heard them a few months ago, I've purchased AND put their album on permanent rotation on the mp3 player. Their blend of funk/afro beat/jazz is infectious! I dare you to listen to them and not shake a body part! Shit brotha, I dare you to listen to them and not feel like throwing on some bell-bottoms, picking the 'fro to insane proportions and sliding across the hood of your car to punch a jive-talkin' turkey in the mouth! Yeah baby, it's that damn good!

The Budos Band - Official/Myspace

Doh!

Anyone read this? Illegal Border Crosser Rescues U.S. Boy

So lets get this straight. He sneaks into the country, happens to chance upon a recent auto wreck, rescues the son of the dead victim, stays with him till help arrives, then gets detained for being there illegally in the first place. Oh America we love you so!

In Other News...

Took my aunt to Maracas Bay today, and man was it great. When you’re away from a real beach for so long, it’s like finding gold. Salty, sandy, hot and windy GOLD! She leaves for England tomorrow and decided to remind her of what she’ll be missing. Heard it’s like 5 degrees in London too! Oh, she’s gonna LOVE me when she finds out!

Speaking of beach, anyone ever use those changing rooms/showers? I swear they were designed by factory and prison architects. The factory guy came up with the big, ugly but functional design, while the prison guy ensured that the showers and toilet facilities should be as small and useless as possible. Prison guy also made it a priority that the shower’s water supply be pumped straight from the arctic peninsula. At one point I looked down and thought, “Shit! I’m 10 years old again!”

So while I’m in the 2nd act of Le Grand Change, the three girls waiting outside, come in to the ladies side of the facility. They're quite open about their conversations…a little more than you’d think they’d should be…considering the public setting and all. It soon hit me. They THINK they’re sealed off from the male side of the facility (All you had to do was look up toward the ceiling for confirmation of this fact).

The following is written in Trinidadian dialect. It’s not that hard to understand my foreign friends…just take it slowly :)

Girl 1 – So you goin’ an see him again?
Girl 2 – Girl, me eh know nah. He was cool eh? But ah getting ah weird vibe from him.
Girl 1 - Geez, you always getting a weird vibe from him, yet you eh go tell him no.
Girl 3 – Cuz she like d hard jammin’ yuh see.

All three girls laugh in that stupid girlie group manner. The guy in the shower next to me clears his throat. They don’t seem to take notice.

Girl 3 – Aye, you have my pink bra?
Girl 1 – And who have my underwear?

Silence then the sound of platic bags being searched.

Girl 1 – No wait, is me. I have dem. Which one you want?
Girl 2 – The blue one is mine. The blue one with the pink tings in d front. <boyfriend's name> real like meh in dat one!

The guy next to me clears his throat and turns on his shower full blast.

Girl 3 – Aye, just throw dem over d wall. I’ll catch dem.
Girl 1 – OK. Ah throwing it now. It comin’ eh. It comin’. Yuh ready? It comin’

Silence

Girl 3 – Well?
Girl 1 – Oh I say you not ready. You ready now? It comin’ now. Ready? Comin’ now! Ready?

Silence

Girl 1 – Ready???

Me – Dammit!! She ready! Just throw the damn ting and be quiet nah!

All the guys in the shower booths – LAUGHTER!

Girl 2 – Aye, alyuh hear dat? People could hear us yuh know!

Silence

Some random guy – Yes girl and yuh songin’ like a bes’ ting. Keep talkin’ nah, I almost done here mehself. Oh yesssss… (in a VERY pervy tone)

DEAD silence then the sound of a bag hitting a wet floor, over on the ladies side.

Guy next to me turns off his shower and clears his throat so ferociously, you’d swear he was bringing up his lungs. My eyebrows are touching the back of my head at this point and I’m doing everything under my power to NOT burst out in scandalous laughter.

Sigh, good to be home right?

(Maracas pics here)

Sky Rockets In Flight. A Bit Of Random-Noon Delight.

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 16:39:52 GMT

Nope. Not EVEN going to try explaining my lack of blogging. It’s a long and complicated tale that cannot be told via this medium. I’m thinking more of a pub setting with loads of pinot. Been dabbling in some reds as of late. I blame J. Ever notice that puke piles on tube platforms are always that disgusting red wine colour? All chunky and redish and what not? Cheap red wine = chunky puke pile + public embarrassment. Kinda rambled off there didn’t I?

I WILL tell you about the genital shrivelling, nipple hardening, instant flu giving, shit weather we’ve been having though! Yes I know we’ve practically had a non-existent summer, but oh crap man, the ‘typical British weather’ joke is wearing thin! As a result (and I suspect my lack of cranial foliage may have contributed) I’ve been suffering with a persistent cold and headache since last week. Time for some tropical weather me tinks…the sunny bits, not the hurricanes.

The Country Break
A, D, Z and I (I as in me, and not someone who has the letter I at the start of their name…but I guess you’ve figured that out. Sigh, keeping things anonymous stinks sometimes), packed small bags and left the hustle and bustle of dirty ole London town for a little cottage in the country. Here’s where you hit ‘play’ on Blur’s – Country House and sing along by the way. I quite unashamedly let everyone know before hand that I was only there to be a photo-geek…and a pain-in-the-ass photo-geek I was! Gotta bleed for your craft baby! Honestly? I’m quite pleased with my results…and I’m never pleased with my results. The weather was amazing on the Saturday, our cottage wasn’t visited by the ghost of Christmas Past (yup, the compound is known to be haunted. Ghost chasers even came over on our 2nd night) and we survived the 10 hour plus car ride to and from Ilfracombe. Oh! And we played the hell out of some poker! While I do like the concept of the laid back pace of ‘the country life’, one weekend was enough to convince me that I’m definitely not ready for it yet. (remember that sentence for later on!). Check out some snaps here.

New Radiohead?

Damn. Freakin'. Straight. And folks, there's an interesting twist! Apparently, you can pay whatever you want for it! Unbelievable right? Shame the official site's so jam packed with traffic, otherwise I'd find out personally.

Take your pick

Radiohead's Official Website

Some sneak peaks at some of the tracks

NME

Commercial Break #1
Here’s 20 second clip from an airshow in Portugal. I don’t even know WHERE to start with this one!

Camera Geekery

Taking queue from the Flickr masses, here’s a spread of my current cam gear…not that you lot care, but what the hey right?! You may get interested in amateur photography one day, so... Before you read on, check out my fav Flickr gear spread. Someday people, someday.

(Mmmmmmm, camera gear.)

Tripod and case. Not the tripod I wanted/need right now, but it was on sale at the time.
My ‘now way to small’ camera bag. Can’t comfortably hold my necessary gear at the moment, but she’ll do for now.
My baby with the 18-70mm kit lens. Remote control below (vital for those 'bulb mode' and tripod shots)
50-200mm lens. Oh how I wanna trade this in for a VR.
The newest family member…the Cokin ND filter system. Why didn’t I get an ND filter sooner? Check out my Devon snaps to see what this lil guy can do!
Umm…soft focus, two polarisers and haze filters.
Nifty cheap-o set of four macro lenses. e-Bay’s an amateur’s best friend!

The external flash unit’s been sitting in my Amazon shopping basket for days. Once I sort out some ‘important’ and unrelated purchases, I’ll click on that ‘Proceed’ button.

I was glad that my Cokin stuff came early that week. It gave me time to prep for the country run and my first real attempts at HDR. You’ve gotta love them ‘Lord of the Rings’ dark and ominous looking skies! I did notice that the ND filter kinda acts like a polarizer at times. Weird eh? Time to do some investigatin’.

G, A And The Good Times!

(Don't think. Just shoot anything that moves and be very afraid)

I would like to thank my good buddy G for the OSX Doom 3 hook up. As a result, I’ve carelessly ushered the last of my normal sleeping patterns out the back door. Here’s how it went that night…Theraflu (thanks A!), 28 Weeks Later, extra mature cheddar cheese and lettuce sandwich, poorly lit room and laptop with Doom 3. I slept like a baby that night! Yup, one messed up, freaky little demon baby. Sigh…why do I do these things to myself??? (Reader’s voice – “Cuz you’re dumb”)

Funny stuff aside, it was good to see them both. It’s been 3 years or so since we last met face to face, and if you ask me, that’s much too long. I did love the way we arranged to meet at a coffee store (not Starbucks!) outside St. Pauls. I show up, walk in, and we start chit chatting as if we’d seen each other the day before. Heh heh, you can only do that with a true friend folks. I couldn’t remember that G and A dynamic 3 years ago, but man…they should be a case study in the way partners even each other out. That’s a compliment by the way. Next stop Philly?

“I’m not crying, it’s just been raining on my face” – Flight of the Conchords (great show btw!)

Commercial Break #2
Reason number 8 as to why stores quickly pulled the “Master Goalkeeping With Me, David James” from shelves.

Thames Festival 2007

Erm...two weekends ago was the Thames Festival. Didn't waste time mucking around with most of the festivities unfortunately. I was there for one reason...to grab some snaps of probably my last fireworks display over here. If you've ever tried to shoot fireworks, you'd know just how hard it can be, so I had to do some brushing up beforehand. Don't think I did too badly, all things considered (Lookie 'ere). If I'm here for Guy Fawkes, look out!

Short n' Rubbish Reviews
Children Of Men

My kinda movie! Dark, depressing, hopeless and with the classic ambiguous ending. I love movies with that edgy, ‘believable and quite possible’ future. Makes you think that dying young isn’t such a bad thing. Sadly, this movie (and This Is England) does that thing I don’t like. It carries you through so much pain and anguish…so far down that road of depression, that no cookie cutter happy ending can bring you back.

Sunshine

I’m a Danny Boyle fan, so there's much love for this one. I’m also a fan of intelligent sci-fi! They don’t come much smarter than this I’m afraid (by modern sci-fi standards anyway…well barring the Solaris remake. YES I loved it). I did think it toed the line of being that cheesy ‘Armageddon – everything that can go wrong, will go wrong for your entertainment’ at times, but good acting, spiffy special effects and clever camera work saved it from that fate.

This Is England

Now here’s some hard hitting cinema. Fantastic performances all round, just helped raise that ‘I’m not comfortable with this’ feeling throughout this movie. Kinda why I didn’t go to cinema to see it too. Yes, it’s a lame reason, but it’s a totally different scene watching race related stuff with strangers isn’t it.

The Last King Of Scotland

Forest Whitaker…geez, how scary was he! Idi Amin…geez, how messed up was he! I loved the twisted relationship between the two main characters, and the excellent way they showed how it systematically broke down. Sprinkle this story with some actual events, and you’ve got yourself a great movie. Not for the weak, mind you.

28 Weeks Later

Sure it’s not as good as Danny Boyle’s original (ignore what the poster pic says), but man, it’s still packed with nightmare inducing moments. There’s still that element of living in London, then seeing it all desolate and ‘rage’ ridden on the big screen, that’s just down right scary. It does heavily rely on you seeing part 1, so if you haven’t done so already…start from the beginning. Technically, the baddies in this movie aren’t zombies, but next to the Dawn Of The Dead remake, the 28 x Later series is modern flash eating gold baby!

OK, medication and rest time. More unrelated snaps below. Till next time ya'll.

Death Proof Goodness

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 01:57:47 GMT

Firstly, if you’re not a fan of cult/explotation/B-movies, you shouldn’t even bother reading this. Also, if you have no clue as to what the first sentence was about…please, close the browser window and go have a lie down.

Most of negative reviews levelled against Tarantino’s latest offering all seem to be along the same track. “Boring, pointless dialogue”. “Too self-indulgent”. “Characters we don’t care about”. Clearly, CLEARLY these people have never watched and APPRECIATED the silliness of a B-movie. I’m talking movies you love to hate and hate to love all at once. It was meant to be the crappy movies you snuck out to go see at some run down, old theatre (at the time, 70% of all cinemas in Trinidad).

Over the top bloodshed, swearing, sex or sexual innuendos and action sequences, peppered with non-plot progressing dialogue. And oh how we frickin’ loved it! You lot remember Two Lane Blacktop? Classic car-chase movie. Flopped big time back then, cult classic right now. Oh the fickle minded movie-going public...

Right, back to Death Proof.

Then you have the technical side of things. The movie’s opening titles (MF Doom and Talib Kwali spat some phat rhymes over that beat ya’ll, lol) to the credits, it all about the look and feel of eye watering retro-goodness. (Hong Kong cinema fans would have recognised the Shaw Brother’s sequence at the start of the Kill Bill movies, which were by the way, another great nod to old school-ism). The ‘first act’ of the movie serves us washed out colours, scratchy film, intentional skips and hard cut editing. None of your sister’s star wipes here people. The ‘second’ opens with a brief high-contrasted, black and white sequence that gives way to an explosion of oversaturated colour. From there, it’s all about unique camera angles, clever framing and kick-ass drive by shots.

Gloss the whole package over with a killer soundtrack (he never lets us down with the music does he?), testosterone powered muscle cars, famous and soon to be famous cast members and a subtle reminder that Kurt Russell’s Snake Pilsken will never die…and you have yourself a good, damn, mother-truckin’ movie! Honestly, what more could you want?

Death Proof (to me anyway), embodied just what I love about that genre. It was great to see it treated with such respect, while even pushing things even further. All you ‘I only saw Pulp Fiction to be cool’ wanna-be Tarantino fans, can all severely fornicate yourselves. Those interested in a modern homage to yesteryear’s cinematic glory days, accented with a style that can only belong to the ‘Swear Master General’ himself, should suck this movie up with a bendy straw…post-haste!

In summary,

This movie is for:

Fans of classic muscle car chase movies
Fans of classic explotation/blaxploitation movies
Fans of classic shocker movies
Fans of movies with strong female leads
Fans of classic revenge movies
Fans of Quentin Tarantino movies
Fans of ‘just plain fun’ movies
Fans with intelligence

This movie is not for:

Fans of Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer movies or anything of that fast MTV paced, seizure and vomit inducing ilk!

Yeah, I went there baby…

Got more time? Read this nice round up of grindhouse style movies by Allmovie.com

Late Night Random Blahs

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 22:18:21 GMT

…and the burning question on everyone’s lips isn’t, “where the hell have you been man?” but “does the consumption of cheese late at night induce nightmares?” Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I can emphatically give a ‘YES’ answer to that question! The eating of cheese late at night IS indeed the key that unlocks the hidden cellar door to the nightmarish underworld of the brain. Images of ex lovers, dead family members, zombies, beautiful women with magical clothing where no matter how many tops you rip off in lustful anticipation, another is always generated below it (oh the horror! Eventually my arms got tired and I woke myself up)

Alas, I must come clean about my testing procedures…for you see, my recent Ritz crackers, mature cheddar and A1 sauce cravings were often washed down with some form of fermented grape juice. So there’s a slight possibility that the wine (a well known depressant) could have tainted the results my impromptu and very shoddy scientific study.

Still, as shit as life is right now, it sure is better than three weeks ago. Three weeks or somewhere around there. Three weeks ago, life truly did stink! The French would call it “Le week d’Poop” I believe (it helps if you use an over-the-top French accent). I had one of the most bizarre endings to a relationship ever. One of the worst drinking binges ever. One of the biggest hangovers ever. One of the silliest ‘slip down the stairs and twist ankle’ scenes ever and finally one of the biggest collection of ‘We can’t hire you because of your visa’ rejections ever! Yes folks, aside from mentioning it now, that week has rarely been spoken about. Like reopening a wound. The less said the better I say.

Limping along...

Honestly though, what have I been up to all this time? I’ve been busying myself with everything under the sun (not literally under the sun, since this is the UK after all). I can now add HDR photography to my list of things that I sorta don’t suck completely at. Decided to use the HDR method till I can get a good 67mm ND filter. That’s your queue to read up on HDR folks. This ain’t no photography technique teachin’ blog ya’ll. Get your read on externally. Here's one of my fav snaps.

Recently I’ve been having some ‘one day stands’ with random people. I’ll meet new people, break into clever chit chat and arrange a cool day out…never to see or hear from them again. Partially because I’m a bastard and partially because I really couldn’t be bothered anymore. Don’t really know how to follow up that very strange revelation…so here’s something completely different:

I want to be a DJ superhero, who one night after delivering one of his best music sessions via the wheels of steel, rescues a damsel in distress from a gang of back-alley thugs. The following night ‘up in da club’ I spot the woman I saved walking through the crowd. I cleverly mix in the old school classic, “Last night a DJ saved my life”. I smile knowingly. (Why would a woman that almost got physically assaulted in an alley, go partying the next night? Who knows man? I’m just a damn DJ!)*

Kinda tired, so I'll ramble on for a few minutes before hitting the hay.

Movies, Movies, Movies or Movies x 3 or (Movies x 2) + Movie

The Simpsons Movie

It rocked. Didn’t rock the socks off and didn’t suck scrotum. Twas just right. Being a massive (not ashamed of this fact) Simpsons fan, it was just what I wanted to see on the big screen. With that said, I have to ask…where were the aliens? Kang and Kodos? AND, the president in the movie was Rainier Wolfcastle during the series. A not-so-subtly Arnie spoof. They just openly called him Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie. Hmm.

Bourne Ultimatum has concreted the series as being one of the best action movie trilogies of all time in my mind. Yes, I went there. Intelligent, action packed and not weighed down with nonsensical drivel ala most modern Hollywood offerings.

300

Sooo glad I rented this as opposed to hitting the iMax as I planned. Even happier I read the graphic novel first. They nailed the visuals in the movie, lifted most of the dialogue straight from the book…but invented some new bits to the story that, well, just shouldn’t be. The whole King Leonidas’ wife tripe namely. Very happy they opted to not have the army running around all nude like in the book too

Oldboy

It was on Film4 and free, and luckily, not that bad. I’m no fan of the old ultraviolence my brothers, so it was a stretch to sit through these two. You’ve got to give it up for the writer/director however…he’s a nutter and should be admitted into a psych-ward ASAP!

Oldboy’s plot walked that thin line between ‘should get up and go to bed’ and ‘gotta keep watching to see what happens’. The main character is kept in a prison for 15 years…without being told why or by whom. He gets released, is given a bit of information (by friendlies) and he seeks revenge on his unknown captors. Along his road to revenge, he starts remembering his past. His wife (killed), his daughter kidnapped yada yada yada. He soon hooks up with a cute young thing, they hump each other, she gets involved in the storyline. Eventually and after much, much bloody torture scenes, he gets the information he needs. The thorn in his side for the last 15 years was infact his friend from school. Let me break it down for you…and please not, I shit you not with what I’m about to say…

Back in school, he witnesses an incestuous act between this ‘friend’ and sister. The couple caught a glimpse of him as he tried to run away. Turns out that he got his own sister pregnant too. The main character didn’t realize that it was his sister at the time, and started a rumour about them. The girl eventually throws herself off a bridge to spare them the shame. So as an act of revenge, school friend works this elaborate plan to wait till main character gets married, kidnap kill his wife, kidnap his daughter, imprison/torture him. As further humiliation, he releases main character…hypnotises both him AND his now grown daughter…and gets them to fall into incestuous forbidden love!!! Yes folks. Of course his school friend reveals all at the final scene in the movie when they’re face to face. Main character kinda realises that he was wrong to start the rumour back in school, and begs him not to tell his daughter that she’s been humping daddy. He even cuts off his own tongue to punish himself (and probably to dodge being shot). School friend realises that he’s done enough to shatter this man’s life…blah blah blah, realises that he’s lived his whole life for revenge…blah blah blah…commits suicide in the elevator.

The movie ends on a disturbing note of main character being reunited with his daughter (still unaware of all the disgusting goings-on), they hug and she says “I love you” or some shit like that. She’s smiling, and he looks a bit disturbed. Does he continue to live the lie? Does he come clean? Does he enjoy food without a tongue? Who the hell knows man…I'm just a DJ.

OK, this movie could also be one of the reasons I’ve been having rough nights right? I’ve got a plate full of Ritz and cheese that’ll help me decide!

I'll leave ya with a snap of something you don't see everyday. Art just hanging around in an alley. Thanks National Gallery. Thanks.

* - I’m completely sober