God Zeus' Domain: Love Week

Day 4 – Maintenance (at long last)

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 20:18:58 GMT

So…you’ve met that special someone! You’ve taken them out on that first date (not for doubles I hope!) You’ve met the parents…and you think they like you (or at least won’t hack you to death for the moment). You’ve survived Valentine’s Day together...hopefully. You’ve just finished compromising the structural integrity of your partner’s backside, fus yuh wine up for Carnival right?

Well ‘ole up dey snake oil waist…it’ll take a little more than dry humping to keep that guy or girl interested!

Here are some sure-fire tips I KNOW will work…(or so I tink)

Change!

Some people fear it to death! A simple change of clothes can be hours for some women. Changing your mind is easy…but once you think about it too for long, the choice suddenly becomes as hard as mental long division.
Well, change is hard (no surprise there)…it’s especially hard when you’re the one needing to do it. Unfortunately, NO ONE IS PERFECT! So if you think you don’t need to change at some point…you’re an ass my friend…an ass.

Think of it this way, don’t change…lose the relationship. Enough inspiration for ya???

Scenario
You’re not the best dresser for social occasions are you? Your significant other *tries* to assist you, but recommending some tasteful choices that he or she thinks will look good on you. This person likes you. They want to be seen (hopefully) in public with you. I would assume they wouldn’t want to dress you in rags right? The choice is yours. Would you…

1 – Get all hot and bothered, and accuse the person of ‘trying to mould your life’ and say that clichéd crap line that goes a lil something like this…”if you really like me, you’ll accept me the way I am”

2 – Without compromising who you are (self identity is very important), you at least make an attempt to change. Try a few items on, see how it fits. Most of the time, they’ll pay for it anyway…what’s there to lose?

Now, even tho I’ve used the light-hearted example of clothing, feel free to apply this to many other aspects of a relationship. Bad habits and attitudes, that short fuse you like to ignite at the drop of a hat, that annoying ‘shovelling food in your face with a spoon’ crap. CHANGE!

Which leads to the next bit…

Acceptance
Keeping on the theme that no one is perfect, know ye this…you’ll never be able to change someone totally. Learn to accept! However, there are limits. Know your limits. Toilet seat up? Not that much of a big deal right? Just put it down ladies!!! We gotta put it up after you right? Don’t hear us complaining about that?!?!?
Fellas, you’re on the half hour mark for that ‘ah coming out in 5 minutes’ routine. Don’t go kicking a grand fuss before that lime…you may as well squeeze a lime in your mouth…it’s to be a sour night anyway.

Don’t be a damn fool either. That ‘sorf man or woman’ act is so 1800’s (or whenever it was cool to be a puss). Your man did something worthy of a ‘pull up’? Tell him about it maturely and discretely. Don’t just sit there and think it’ll go away. If they value what you have going on, they’ll listen and attempt change. (Ensure you have a valid claim too eh…don’t go picking battles with no ammunition)

Know what its worth!
Here’s something for the guys specifically. Fellas, women tend to take ‘little’ things to be much bigger than YOU may think it is. Beware, for these little things can come back to haunt you at later times.

Learn to notice the small stuff…first snog, first date place, ‘anniversaries’, her favourite food or snack, that new haircut, new shoes, watery eyes n sniffles…you know, all that crap!

Ladies? Giwwe a bligh nuh…oh gorm we trying.

Add Variety
Variety is one of the cornerstones of a relationship. Spice it up! Not only on the Serta, you nympho…in everything else. Trinidad may be small, but there are a lot of places to visit. Try a new restaurant or bar. Don’t just rush home after work, go laugh at some joggers round the Savannah whilst munching on some pholorie (I’m sure that’s what they were doing when I was jogging).

Basically, sticking to a set routine will land you up in trouble of the ‘boring’ kind. You’re on the road to Splitsville if you don’t rectify it fast (some people real fickle these days too)

So, there it is! Long overdue but complete (somewhat). Hope you enjoyed it tho. I think even tho I tried to make it funny, there’s some truth in there too.

So to all future couples good luck! You’ll sure as hell need all you can get!

Day 3 - The First Time

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 14:54:33 GMT

Intro
So, you’re probably wondering why I’ve gone all silent on the crappy relationship advice. Well, it was to demonstrate that just like this blog, despite all your greatest efforts and planning in a relationship…things still go wrong…and it leaves big gaps between events in your life…and you should always mind those gaps…or something.

Ok, I’ve been busy!!! Geez!

Onward!
You’ve been on the hunt. You’ve landed yourself a suitable candidate….things goin’ smooth so far. It’s time to put that Underwear Elastic Inspector’s diploma you got last year to use right? Well not so fast there Seabiscuit. Before you go messin’ up your mother’s good bed sheets, you’ve got a few more important first time tasks to complete.

First Official Date
Planning your first official one on one date shouldn’t be taken lightly. Some effort has to be made into deciding…

Where?
Normally a lot of pressure is put on the guy to decide on “where we going?” Bollocks I say! It’s a joint effort. Don’t you hate it when someone says, “I cyah tink of anything, you decide nah”. Steups.
In the event that there is doubt as to where the first date should be, have a few locations already pre planned/scoped. This move will also eliminate the ‘first fight’. (Plenty of time for fighting in times to come).
For me personally, a first date is the chance to start the journey that is ‘getting to know you’. We should be able to sit, talk, enjoy a laugh, have a meal…just anything that involves meaningful interaction. Somewhere intimate, but not too overwhelming. With this in mind, here’s my summary.

Avoid

Cinema
The aim is to get to know the person, not sit there in silence. I don’t think this is a good first date location. Try again.
You can however, have dinner then catch a movie. Depending on how your dinner went, that movie will be a major deciding factor. Once that cinema gets all chilly like, and your date reaches over for a snuggle…yuh ‘orn like boil corn!
Clubs/Parties
Nah! Providing you didn’t meet the person in a club in the first place (and if that is true, a 2nd meeting at a club again?), you have no idea if they’re into parties. Even if they are of the clubbing ilk, what makes you think they going to want you rubbing your pelvis on them? Wishful thinking on your part eh? Next idea!
The First Place You Met
Yet another indication of mental bankruptcy. Oh gorm, do I really have to explain this one? This is a no-no. Find somewhere else dammit. After years of dating the person, if you feel the need to get all misty eyed, return to the first place you met.
Your House
My father had a saying, “Only bring home people you trust”. This holds firm to this day. You don’t know that fella yet ladies. Keep his ass away from your home till you know what he’s about. Think that girl is the one partner? She could stab you in the gut and leave you in foetal position on the kitchen floor…with a confused look on your face I might add (great shot for the Express)
Besides, first date at your house? You may as well wear an “I think you’re easy and I might get some!” sign around your neck. Pull another card sport.

Aim For

Coffee/Tea Places
Sounds retarded? Well maybe it’s not your thing. Maybe you’re dotish…I dunno!?!?! For me anyhow, this was the shiznit. The late great Syps, Perks, the Mount, that place in Movie Towne…there are a lot of nice joints to go grab a nice cup of something hot and a nice plate of something sweet. Whilst munching and chatting, gauge if this person can carry a conversation. Is he or she interesting? Will this date soon disintegrate into awkward pauses and uneasy moments? All these questions and more will be answered in time. Most importantly, you get the chance to gauge accurately in a setting like this.
If you picked up a gangsta man or ghettofab gyal, scratch this idea. Head to cinema. Save yourself the embarrassment. (if you’re reading this and you’re a gangsta man or ghettofab gyal, please don’t kill me)
Restaurants
My version of ‘restaurants’ for first date eh no jacket and tie affair. Ruby Tuesdays, Fridays, Sweet Lime, places like these. Walk with a blue note and two twenties, and you’re probably set for the night. Ladies, doh run to the bathroom or sit there with your best log impression when the bill comes. Chip in dammit! Bras were burnt in the 60’s for you to be treated as equals, so please…by all means…give a brotha a help out. Guys, be aware that the ladies may not always take that advice. Walk with enough money to cover you both. Avoid the embarrassment. Please doh expect no special ‘thank you’ when the date is done either. Behave yuhself.

Finally

First Time Meeting The Parents
Ahhh, the gauntlet of fire we must all pass through at some point. Some of us have been burnt so bad from this first timer, that we cringe at the prospect of doing it again. Take this pointers.

Your parents don’t like your choice
You fancy the person, your parents don’t. What do you do? Go against their will? Sure, why not. You’re old enough. You’re working, responsible and got a good head on dem shoulders. What do your parents know right? Tell you what, when you screw up, don’t let them know. You won’t hear the end of it.
Hear your parents out. Determine what their problems with your date are. Determine if their concerns are real ones. DO NOT settle for retardo excuses like, “I jus doh like him” or “He eh take meh blood” or “’Cause I said so!” All non-reasons in my book. It’s best to clear this up beforehand. They will make your life hell if you don’t.

If you live on your own however, different story. Do wha yuh waaaaant!
Bring Mr or Mrs Right home when you think it’s serious enough…(then brace for the reaction)

So you’re doing ok so far right? First official date went well. You got yourself at least a peck on the cheek (if you got way more than that, be careful, the shallow/short term relationship warning lights are flashing) and the promise of another. Eventually, before you realize it, you’re having a steady thing going. Good times? Perhaps. Like everything else in your life, it takes a lot of work to keep the good ship ‘Love’ afloat and functional. We tackle that next.

Next – Relationship Maintenance

Day 2 – The Hunting Grounds

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 18:13:52 GMT

Intro
Ok, let’s get this part well out of the way to. There is NO such thing as love at first sight. None! NONE! How can you REALLY love someone LOVE someone at first sight?

I was especially peeved when Savage Garden came out with that song “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You”. Oh knife and FORK-in-hell man…never has bigger loads of faecal matter been spewed from the mouth a human being…and I’ve heard Trinidadian politicians on many occasions! This takes the cow patty.

If you or someone you know is suffering from the Hollywood misconception that love can actually occur at fist sight…GET HELP! Call 1-800-DAM-FOOL. Friendly operators are standing by! Call today!

Dotish jokes aside, if you really sit and think about it, love IS much deeper than a first glance good impression. Lust or like at first sight, I can probably believe. Love? Nah, try again. (More on ‘love’ later this week!)

Location, Location, Location
The big question on the dating person’s lips will always be “Where do I look?” Well, in true report format, let’s summarize…

Some No No's!

Clubs?
No!
Clubs are the perfect location for little boys and girls to put on a ‘show’. Things aren’t always as they seem in locations like these. There is an air of ‘falseness’ if you know what I’m getting at. Some women turn into actresses…extra smiles and flirty behaviour. Fellas try to act all hard and tough. It’s too random, this club scene. Under all the shiny gift wrapping could possibly be another average pair of socks.
Pubs/Bars/Hole In D Wall Rum Shops?
No!
Similar to the clubs summary, but you’d tend to get more of the wilder types here. Now, I not saying you doh find them in the clubs eh…you do! Wilder fellas, skettel women, seasoned drunks…you name it, you got it in these places. These places do have great geera goat and pork tho! Man, when I was a meat mout back in the day, there was nothing like a plate of geera pork in one hand and a pool cue in the other. Good times!!!
And what are you doing in a skanky bar or rum shop in the first place? Go home!
Street Corners?
No!
What are you, crazy? Surf one handed websites if you this desperate!
Public Bathrooms?
No!
I remember a night in Pier 1 (you know those nights, where the female bathroom is so full, women come into the male one) where a half drunk guy, schlong in hand, is busy chatting up an OBVIOUSLY drunk girl. Would they even remember each other in the morning?
This one is sooo ridiculous. Don’t ever, ever try this one! Shoot yourself in the face if you reach this level.

Possible Yes (But risky)

<Insert Your Religious Place Of Worship>
A no-no for some, but hear me out.
If you are serious about a relationship, and about religious aspects of life…why not? This person can probably be the spark that ignites your religious fire (and your personal fire at the same time). However, it has been said that these places actually hold the worst of the lot. People with problems come to places of worship for answers to their troubled lives. Could be true, I deny not. Let me remind you of the famous words of a great man, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!” (What a great way to end a point…no one ever had a comeback!)
School
Another decent place to look. You get to scope out your potential significant other on many levels. How they dress, how they act around other people, what they eat etc.
The upside and downside of this is a big one. Upside – you find someone you’re interested in…school work takes a knock. Downside - you find someone you’re interested in…school work takes a knock. The key is to manage that knock, and make sure it doesn’t get infected and spread through your system. Risky and tricky.
Note: I’m talking about tertiary level education here eh. All you Michael Jacksons out there, do not stalk the chirren schools please!
Places/Times Where Emotions Run High (Sporting events, weddings, Christmas parties etc)
Trickier than handling an eel in baby oil. Go ye with caution on these, I say. However, some people get carried away at events and times like these. “Caught up in the moment”. All that smiling and acting friendly is misleading! It’s like a sorta ‘high’ if you will. Sorry to say, but women are more prone to this ‘drug’. They get very happy around times like these. Guys, be forewarned. Dem smiles and winks ain’t for you! Or is it? I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!!! Get the food and go.
Work
Ahh, nothing like some forbidden love eh? Well that’s if there’s an office policy about work site relationships. If there is, it makes it all the more exciting.
The down side is, if it fails…you’re up the shite stream with no paddle. You not only lose out on the relationship end…you can also lose out on your job! So why’d I recommend this one anyway? Well, barring you’re not making moves on the office newbie, you should know the person your interested in somewhat. You can tell if they’re responsible, if they’re neat, how they interact with people, what they eat, how they smell…you get the point right? Oh yeah, this method also means that you’re now the proud owner of a lonely one bedroom apartment on ‘Office Gossip Street’. A location I’m sure you won’t like.
Ok ok, this suggestion is only for the brave. The brave and the people that lookin’ for a new wok, so it’s like “What the hell anyway”.

Probably Your Best Bets

Friends
Your friends are there for a reason dammit, use ‘em! (with their knowledge of course). They can ‘source’ someone, as it were. They may have a co-worker or a neighbour or another friend that may be very compatible with you. The advantage of this method is your friends KNOW you (well your true friends should anyway!). They act as your first and vital screening mechanism. This eliminates some of the tedious ground work. Combine this tip with the following and you’re well on your way.
House Limes
Ahhh, the ‘Zion’ of the dating circuit!
Location does not matter. Does your house have a roof? Some walls? GREAT! You need good company, some finger food, some drinks and some music…instant good time! Oh yeah, a deck ah cards and a box ah match!
People act much more naturally in these house lime settings. It’s not loud, it’s not a flesh parade. You can display your true skills (hope you have some). Chit chat around the room…work your way up to the person you’re interested in. Once the initial ice-breaking stage is over, let the good times roll. Is there anyone out there that can tell me they didn’t have a good time liming with good company at a house lime?

So…
You’ve found someone you’re interested in. Ice broken, ground work done. Good for you. Things are looking good aren’t they? Is it really?

Next – Day 3 - 'The First Time'

Day 1 – Like Yuhself! (But Not In That Way)

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 00:01:37 GMT

Intro
So, you’re getting older. Your body’s changing. Hair starts growing in funny places. Stuff grows out, stuff drops lower. Voices soon break and so will hearts (You know it will). Unstoppable changes take place.

One very important change, is the one where you start noticing the opposite sex (or same sex…who knows!). If this has not happened for you yet, spend less time online reading this, and more time reading the material at your local psychologist’s office. You need help.

Over the next few days, I’ll be pointing out some key Do’s and Don’ts of the relationship scene (from my point of view anyway). I’m no relationship expert (currently looking for a new liver due to all the SALTIN’ I’ve been doing as of late), but I’ve been in a few…so that allows me to speak on the topic like I know ‘bout it. It happens in politics, so why not here?

Whilst reading this blog, keep in mind, you can’t start liking anyone else, till you like yourself. We begin…

What’s In A Bod?
Let me begin by saying I DO NOT subscribe to the mainly US and European views of beauty where “The closer you are to a skeletal state is the sexier you are”. Nonsense I say! If you purposefully starve yourself in the aims of ‘lookin’ hot’, you are a fool…plain and simple.

So you don’t feel confident in your current flesh. “Im’ma never gonna bag me a mate, iffin’ ah don’t change muh birthday suit!” is what you’d say to yourself, if you’re a frustrated hillbilly, two moonshine bottles into a lonely Friday night. Well guess what Sunshine, you’d still be in the same boat today!

No stinkin’ magazine or TV show should tell you that you’re too fat, or too thin. Ever watched those cosmetic surgery shows on TV where people alter themselves to look like someone famous? Sad eh? Worst bit of all is all the long dragon tears after the surgery. The salty discharge forcing its way through swollen eyelids…TV gold right there. Jackasses, the whole lot of ‘em.

Sadly, despite all I’ve said before there, some of us (including me) are not happy with our bodies. That’s where the following comes into play

Gym
Waste of time (for most).
If you’re not dedicated, you’d start and stop more times than a rehabilitated Courtney Love.
My Advice? Control your eating, drink a lot water. Walk, jog or run. When your fitness level is at a point you think is gym worthy, try it for a month. If gym is for you, you’ll know!

Diets
Diets work. I’ve tried the Slim Fast diet and lost a lot of weight. Diets work IF and ONLY IF you have the will power to make it work! Be forewarned, diets are also never cheap. Well not in Trinidad anyway. An all vegetable and fruit diet actually costs more than eating junk.

Now there’s only so much you can do in 1 week, so forget all the crap I said above. You’d never fix that mangled mess you call a body in time. Let’s concentrate on short term fixables.

Breath Be Like…
I can’t stress enough how important this topic is people. The odour emanating from your word-hole must be of an acceptable nature!! Many things cause bad breath…this ain’t no medical blog, so see your GP if you think you got a problem. Thankfully, modern advancements in the field of dentistry handles half the battle. There are times however, we all don’t have access to a sink, a tube or a brush. That’s where these come in…

Breath Strips
Probably the best solution to date. They’re small enough to fit in that annoying little condom pocket in the front of your jeans and they work fast. Pop one onto your tongue, and let the good times dissolve. No good eligible man or woman should be without it!
TicTacs
Noisy little suckers aren’t they? Great for outdoor/high decibel situations, terrible for cinemas or intimate settings. To get max effect, you gotta pop at least two at a time. Please doh run with these in your pocket!!! It’s about time, the TicTac people make a soft pack version…steups.
Mints
Mints are the granddaddy of breath control methods. Over the last few years, we’ve had some new comers to the fold, namely Diana PowerMints. DO NOT USE! If you dissolve these bastards, you can strip paint off walls, I swear! They will also destroy your sense of taste. Use at your own risk.

Note: As a relationship grows, you can let a little smooch or tongue action slip by on a frowsy breath (all within limits, and your partner has to be up for it. Doh go forcing yuhself on them…wit yuh stink mout!)

Clothing

Ummm, dressing well is important. Fashion is such a touchy topic for some. What's good for me, isn't good for you and so on. Some basic rules do apply tho...

Make sure your clothes clean! Bad breath? Smelly clothes? You may as well give up now! RIGHT NOW! Stay single and die.
Dress appropriately! Don't be that idiot that goes to cinema looking like you're heading to a party - You're trying too hard! Don't go to upscale 'watering holes' in your dirty torn jeans and washed out T-shirt - You're not trying at all! Determine where you're going (even any places you may go after), and organize yo' self accordingly. First impressions do last!

A Splash Of Something Sweet

As the name suggests, a SPLASH should be used. Scents can be good and bad. Sometimes, too much of a good scent is BAD! Go easy on the perfume, after shave, cologne or whatever! DO NOT take a 2nd bath in it...please!

Powder?

NO! NO! NO! If you must (and I don't see why), for God's sake, doh put it on your neck where we can see it!! Do people still use this thing? Flashbacks of maxi taxis and 'hard pong' sprung into mind then I wrote this bit.

Niceness, now we semi ready for the attack! (Or are we?) No one said this was going to be a comprehensive guide eh!

Tomorrow – ‘The Hunting Grounds’

Friends, Lovers, Heartbreakers...Lend Me Your Ears!

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 18:46:45 GMT

So, we're about a week and some before Valentine's Day. What does this mean to you? If you're in Trinidad, not much right? Carnival fever is in full swing! Spending money on a Valentine pressie (yeah, I'm going Brit on dat arse) means less £ to fete right?

Maybe you're like me, and the 14th of Feb has the exact amount of significance as half frozen dog stool on a cold winter's day. Ok, that was a bit harsh...freshly pooped dog stool then. Either way, at some point in our lives we've payed some sorta attention to the day. It was a big deal. Admit it! For some, it's still a big deal. I respect that. I really do. No, no, I realllly do.

So I've decided to dedicate the upcoming week to 'love' and everything associated with it. Having trouble landing that perfect mate? Ran out of spanish fly? Then, by all means, read my blog next week.

Hell, I'm not saying it'll help you out any...but it'll at least give you a smile...and you'll forget how craptastic exciting life really is :)

Much bitterness I sense in you, young Gill-walker!

Indeed.

I 's - Muhahhahahahahaha!