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July 27 We Return Like Jesus, When The Whole World Need Us It’s been a while hasn’t it? How long has it been…weeks? Months? Too damn, that’s how long. Firstly, I’d like to thank the ever present and often under appreciated internal “auto-pilot”. It always gets me home no matter what nonsense I get myself into. There was a point where I was looking down at my speedometer and thinking, “Damn nigga, you ain’t supposed to be driving this fast, son.” (yeah, my inner voice goes from distinguished English gentleman to gangsta rapper when tipsy). Reckless, stupid behaviour on my part, yes I know. My luck will run out someday and I give you all permission to tell my corpse, “I told you so”. * There’s no way I can even start to explain all the crazy shite that’s been going on in my life. It’s heavy baby, real heavy. I should update this thing on the regular though. Everyone kept asking, and frankly, I have no real excuse. We’ll keep things nice and light for this one. (I am dying to speak my mind on several pressing matters too. Idiot friends and silly women, beware) So beside giving my liver random and unnecessary workouts, I’ve been polluting the minds of my countrymen and women via a lil magazine who's name rhymes with ‘Blorch’. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea (isn’t mine at times), but I get to be creative. As a friend put it, it's like a printed version of my silly thoughts. (I took it as a compliment) Oh this gig also puts food on the table. I do freelance work for another mag as well…well I’ll continue to do so if my demands are met. Till then, my balls I do present for them to suck upon. I am the robot man, I'm the robot man. Random Camera-phone Pics of "The Great Down-D-Islands Drink Weekend"  Aww, what a nice sunset. We'd be saying the same about the sunrise the next day. From the same spot in the same clothes. It nice.  Yeah, we had a pretty impressive tally at the end. Take that you alcoholic beverages!  Next stop, the ground. Nah, I survived. My last few braincells however... Meet me, meet me, terrible daughters. Cry out, cry out. You Decide...  I’ve either got the greatest taste on the planet or I’m a complete idiot. It doesn’t really matter, since Patrick Manning is still a jackass. Blow out that cherry bomb, for me. What The Bilbo Teabaggins Is This?  Sons of bitches! So my favourite, cheapo brand has decided to make some teabag changes. On the left is the old way they did things. A nice and simple seal at the top, with an easy to open wrapper. On the right is the new and very frustrating design. The teabag is now integrated with the packaging, so you have to tear it off. They’ve gone with a staple and messy fold at the top that allows the tealeaf shite to get into your brew! I’m finding myself tapping the bag like a nurse with a needle, before I dunk it in the cup. Poor to the third power Lipton! Oh, but where are your friends tonight? Product Design Gone Wrong  Dial advertised this bar for men as having ‘easy to handle grips’, since wet soap is known to break into eel mode at times. Where do I begin…well, its aahh, fucking stoopid! (say with a Brooklyn accent). Those grips are a total waste! Not only is it just to one side of the bar, but the steam from your shower could melt them before you even start. Who thought this through I wonder. “Let’s put two millimetre notches on the side of the bar. This’ll be the last word in soap handling technology for years to come”. I think little “sweet cheeks” there in county prison, currently being ravaged in the showers will have something to say about it. So on behalf of his assailant, thanks Dial. Thdial. ** A Work In Progress  Came to me in a dream. I'll put the finishing touches on there soon. My foreign readers are lost. If you want to scare young children, read this to them. Right, I'm heading off to do something productive. I don't get paid to talk shite. Oh wait, I do! Ka-kow! The pics below - a shark's jaw (take that Jaws, you sneaky bastard) and some snaps from a restaurant review I did for the mag. * - that paragraph sounded funnier in my head at the time. ** - If you understood that joke and where it came from, write it down in your copybook. Comments (2)
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